Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, November 17, 2014
Monday, November 10, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Friday, October 17, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
Its Shawn's birthday . waited for the clock to strike 12AM and wished him happy birthday ...
Me: Heyy happy birthday ! Stay happy and all the best for next year
Him: Thank you xingzi hehe ! I will and you too
I was really happy that he replied me instead of ignoring but I didnt continue any further ... feel so happy and contented that he actually did replied me , God I can't ask for more
I made friends with one of his close dudes just to get closer to Shawn , we were both helping each other because on one hand he update me with Shawn's life and in return I give him relationship advice and be his listening ear . Friends with benefit but not in the sexual way stop thinking wrong .
Through his help , I manage to buy Shawn a gift and he pass it to him . He told me that Shawn wanted to get a White Formal short sleeve shirt and we went to TopMan and bought one for him . Im truly truly happy , I can't ask for anything more . Even though Shawn doesn't know that the present was from me , I am really happy that he receive it and I hope he likes it . What can I ask for ? Nothing . Wanted to get him a Nike Roshe Run at first because both of us agreed on getting that together when we were together .. but its okay , I think he'll love this present better .
Shawn there's so much I want to tell you and no words can describe how much I love you , really . Thank you for spending my Birthday with me , 3 weeks ago while we were still somewhat together , I thought we could spend your birthday together but no you left me . So today , I can only silently wish for you here in my little blog , to convey my feelings to you and hoping a miracle to happen . Thank you for giving me a wonderful birthday , we went to the ZOO and you made me like Birthdays because I've always hated it since nobody celebrates it for me . Even though you said that you'll celebrate it for me every year but I know it won't happen anymore . Its okay , I hope you will enjoy your birthday and spend it well with laughter .. I really miss you so damn hard and I know maybe I don't show it anymore but you got to understand - That when I tell you I will be here waiting for you , I truly am waiting ...
Please don't say that in the end everybody leaves because no, I'm not and I won't .Its been a hell of a 3 months without you and I'm still here waiting , longing for your love . Everyday I pray that one day Lord will have mercy and let you come back to me but somehow it ain't working . Am I wrong ? What should I do ? So many questions in my brain left unanswered and I don't know how to live . Trying my best to stay high but the demons always hunt me in my head , I was wrong I was bad , and I need forgiveness so bad .
Happy Birthday Shawn , I really hope you'll get sick of your solitude life soon because I'll be here waiting , for you.
|I will love you till the end of time - Lana Del Rey|
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Friday, September 26, 2014
Saturday, September 6, 2014
went out with Shawn on these two days . 3rd August because he asked me out to slack and we slept together at his house . Everything that night was perfect that no language in the universe could describe its beauty . The only flaw that nigh was me , that weak and ugly me who couldn't hold myself and cried . That night just before we slept , we talked and then i turn my back towards him , for a backhug. Here come's the fault - i didn't know why , i just thought of our happy memories and i broke down . There right there , in his arms , on his bed , me oh me crying , disturbing his sleep. He didn't heard it at first only till he talked to me and i suppressed my crying then he realise. He turned , look at me and asked whats wrong and i just told me nothing . Really nothing's wrong because ...
He told me to turn and face him but i stared at his chest instead , burying my thoughts in . He beg me to pour out my thoughts and tell me the reason but I just couldn't bring myself to do it , Im so darn afraid i just can't .
I love you Shawn , I really don't want to be your tripping stone .
It hurts for me to type this but i still gotta go on , to be honest this is a confession :
Every word i type here is my last word living . I don't want to leave this word without inking every words and thoughts my heart is filled with. As least when I'm gone , I have some words left in this word for people to read , maybe my parents , my cousins , Shawn or even you dearest readers , at least i have my inking done in this world.
ALRIGHT BACK TO STORY
The tears flow and my heart bleeds. Im all wrapped in his arms , close to the heart but deep down I know , that its far far away , lost in the sea of broken hearts. He stroke my hair in that ever so raspy voice saying 'Im so confused i dont even know , so don't think too much okay?' My heart stopped beating since that instant and till now I am not living . I breaks my heart to know that he doesn't know , I really don't know and Im afraid to know , I just God wish that Im not living ...
That morning came and around afternoon we talked , in bed , hugging . He asked me a few 'Boyfriend quesstions' which means like only boyfriends will ask and one of it daunted me
'why are you not into other guys anymore ?'
'because im not interested'
'why are you not interested ?'
'do you really want to know ..
because im only interested in loving you'
this pain lasted the entire day and every once in a while it rings in my head an i can't tell you how much it hurts
Monday, September 1, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Friday, August 15, 2014
A month ago , Shawn left me . A month ago I thought that I'll be better and my life will be fine without him , guess I'm wrong. A month passed and I'm still the same shit. I hate myself for killing that emotional man , causing him to walk away from me . Im so so regretful. Every night the same thought drinks my soul and I can't tell you how much I've missed him . I haven't seen his face for so long and the image turns blurry . I push myself and hid in a corner ,wearing his sweater and sniffing on his shirt. The smell , the memories , the love are all there , what's gone was the soul. I really love him deep into my bones. And what hurt the most is realizing how much i didn't meant to him, how easy I was to be forgotten , how replaceable I was.
Fear grips me thinking the fact that another girl will soon take my place and that fucking hurts. I don't want , I don't want that to ever happen but it is only a matter of time. God is probably punishing me for all my sinful act, I'll accept it . Even when his heart is no longer mine ,even when his love is for another , even if he is no longer Him , I'll stay and be here.
Dear Karma ,
I accept every slap you have blown on my face , its okay I'll bear the pain .Just tell me that everything is going to be over soon because i have no idea how much more before my soul leaves the temple.
My heart is long torn and my soul is long gone , what's left is my love for him.
I miss him and I need him .Please come back , I'll be waiting .I've lost count for the number of times i have prayed for his return , my faith is fading but I tell myself to be strong . These delusional thoughts lie to my sober mind but i still drink them in.Its hard to stay positive , its even harder for me to live.I really really want to give up.
A month ago , I didn't knew a month later my mind is sunk into death. Death ain't the easy way out , its my only way to feel alive again.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
I love you Shawn.
Even if you don't love me , even if you fall for others - I'll still love you.
I'm yours , even if you're not mine.
I really want him back, these sadness isn't fading and each day it just build up higher and higher. I'm so tired , I tried to occupy my life just like what He is doing but at the end of the day , my thoughts always linger back to him .
Shawn please please please for the love of God , please come back to me. I've changed I mean it , I won't be that reckless Zi anymore, I will be a good girlfriend, I will cherish our relationship, I will do what it takes to make you happy, I will be "you" in our relationship. Please come back.
Right now I'm crying while hugging Pocho - the soft toy he gave me for my birthday , in my arms. I missed him so damn hard and what hurts more is seeing him being happy with other girls really kills.
This internal pain feels like gravity. It pulls my heart down every minute and I'm drowning inside, I'm drowning myself.
I'm torn and broken , I have nothing left .Why must tragedy always happen in my life , why me ? Why God ? Please make everything stop , I'm already gone. It hurts , everything hurts. No matter how hard I try to be happy and positive, I always end up being depressed and broken at the end . Can time rewind? Can I go back to the past ? I'm at my wits end .
I'm sinking into a deep deep ocean full of pain and broken pieces and what's worst is that Shawn knows about me drowning but he will not come back and save me , he won't. Its so painful typing this and I can't describe to you how hard I'm feeling right now . I love you, I'll stay .
All I wish is the Love of yours.
Monday, August 4, 2014
Last night , Shawn tweeted about how much he miss "her" and that he regreted all blah blah blah . But what's on my mind the entire night was who is "her"..?
Couldn't sleep and my headache was hurting badly , my mind just couldn't stop thinking whoever this her is . And I came to a conclusion, its his prev ex…
It hurt , badly. Knowing that he doesn't want me instead he wants back his previous ex . Ofcourse I ain't sure whether she IS "her" or not but guessing from the angle I'm looking - she fits the picture perfectly…
If only I could be "her"…
I know I ain't , and I'm not putting ny hopes anywhere. If only he didn't love another but love me. If I had cherished him. If I had loved him and showered him with love. If I never left and hurt him….
If I wasn't me ..
Everything is crushing me into bits and pieces and every night its the same pain , same hope that one day he'll love me , again . Im tired of my regretful life I really need him back please don't leave me
Friday, August 1, 2014
Last night I cry while praying to have Shawn back . I fell asleep with my hands clasped in prayer and my phone's vibration woke me up .
Shawn rted my tweet
I can't tell you how idiot I was, although it was just purely a rt , it made me really happy inside.
This morning miracle appeared. I drag my dead lifeless body to school and when I was about to fall asleep, Shawn texted me.
Butterflies fluttered around in my tummy and I could feel as if it was going to explode. He told me not to be sad and that I will have a great day . I cried and I asked him if he would mind staying up a lil while to chat with me .
He said "Anytime woman"
We talked mostly about his problems and that how difficult his life was .As we talked ,he even send me a photo of him saying that it will make me feel happy .
It really did :)
We talked and out of the blue he mentioned about me finding guys . And I replied
"Its my decision to move on"
I can't tell you how much I hate myself after realizing that what I've typed might mistaken him . I really didn't realize until I re-read our entire conversation for the 6th time.
Omg Shawn please don't ever think that I'll move on from you because I can swear to you - I won't.
He said "New ones come , some old ones stays" and asked "Are you staying? "
I wish I never left you in the first place Shawn , I'm so sorry .
Told him I'll stay but he added that I'll only stay for a while . Idiot, why can't you just understand that I'm never leaving ever again..?
In class Germaine wrote a song all by herself called "Why won't you remember " and it made me cry . That girl gave me a hug but I know all I need now is Shawn .
Shawn I'm sorry , I really hope you'll figure out your life and please remember I'm still here , staying…
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
"I can't love him"
That , was his name in my contact when we broke up previously.
I've just came back from visiting cousin, and seeing her being well and having things under controlled really makes me very heartening
When I visited her , me and cousin Jocelyn (aka hui qing's sis ) talked. She knew about my struggles and talked to me about it .I broke down a lil and it made me feel better .
Thought about him , about us and I can't tell you how much it hurts . He wants to start his life again and doesn't want me back . I know , typing this really hurts me…
I know I know I know, the fucking truth is right in front of me but I choose to blind my eyes
I know what he wants and it ain't me , I know but I just can't let it go ...
It hurts but you know what ? I won't pester him anymore, I'll let him free just like how he gave me my freedom. It's fine , I'll be fine eventually..
But don't get me wrong, I will never ever stop loving him or get over him , simply because I can't and I don't want to . I'm sorry I know that this decision is bad and that it ain't worthy but
I don't even know what's worthy anymore
Worth ? Hahaha it doesn't exist . The painful truth that nothing is worth in this world and you gotta swallow it down . I want him to live a great life ,to fill his dreams and not be tied down to me because at least he is happier . Dont get me wrong , he ain't happy , but at the very least he ain't sad . His happier , so will I . He won't be happy because there's still 101 things making him sad in this world but without me - his happier .
Just like why he let me go so that I'll be "happy"
It's wrong, letting go isn't giving happiness, its a misconception ,a wrong mentality.
If letting go is happiness so is holding on pain? Nope ,you're wrong . Letting go is pain and holding on is happiness , trust me . Theres nothing happy letting go , its weak . Why would you want to let go of something you've held on for so long ? Coz you're a failure? Don't be a failure really.
Im a failure I know that but please don't end up being one. Guys please don't let go , hold on to your princess because at the end of the day you know - that she will always appear in your mind right before you head to bed . You know its her so why avoid it and lie to yourself, don't.
"What comes easy doesn't last , and what last won't come easy "
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Right now I'm on the bus all alone , crying. Please don't judge me crying in public because I really hate it too . I just can't control my tears anymore…
Today after ASP I received a piece of dreadful news - My cousin , huiqing , is going be be admitted to the hospital for 2 weeks due to low heartbeat .
And I'm really really really afraid of missing another loved one
Ever since young, me and huiqing was always together and she was my competitor . No matter what we will always be comparing each other because her mum always like comparing both of us . I resented the lifelong competition and I really really hated her for a period in my life simply because she was always my enemy .
Since this year I have distanced myself away from my cousin because I was too occupied with my life. Right now upon hearing such a tragic news , I can't help but feel afraid and lonely.
All the time whenever its my birthday she will always write me a birthday card with a note "you're my best cousin on earth" inside . This year she got me a starbuck drink and said " this perhaps would be my last present to you … "
I never put her words to my heart because I thought she was just over reacting and that everything will be fine , but now everything's crumbling.
Fear grip my heart and I'm afraid another person will leave me ...
Please don't leave , don't leave me alone
Sunday, July 27, 2014
It hurt ,awfully. Realizing that I was merely a partner to talk for the sake of killing time . When time's up , I have to pack my shit and leave . Im so damn fucking tired , I'm Torn and shattered .I just want to get out of here and leave really, theres no worth staying I'm just done .I waited for his reply , staring at my phone for hours and letting time flow by , I really want to give up .
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Today Shawn texted me , told me his in difficulty and that he needed my help .
I cried while texting and everything hurt . Told him I'll be there whenever he needed someone and he thank me .After a while we chat a little and it hurt really . Pain in the chest that I miss him so much and seeing him in such a state makes me want to love and care for him more .
I'm a friend, I'm a friend. I'm just a friend.
When he got his stuff I told him I'm not worthy anymore and he reacted with anger telling me not to annoy him .
Idiot , I didn't want to annoy you any further thats why I don't want to bother you…
He can always find me when he needed someone, but I have no one left to find .
We continue chatting until theres nothing to reply no more . He said my life is better because at least I have a school. But really whats the point of going to school when all I do is cry and think of him in lesson ? I can't focus and I'm stuck. This life hurt and I'm basically a complete failure…
I have finish all my worth to him , I shall leave…
Friday, July 25, 2014
Time is passing so slowly and my mood is getting shittier and shittier
I don't know what i want to , just blogging and pouring out my feelings since i have no one to talk to . Alone and depressed this 2 things goes ugly together . Ugly with a beauty in it .
i don't know whats going on in my brain , guess I'm going crazy ? Haha all the better i don't want to be in a state where my mind is cleared , really its scary when im cleared because all the more i will think of the pain .
Please listen to the song - Stay high by Tove lo , because it speaks everything for me .
My head whispering : Worthless little bitch , and my mind shouting to me You deserved it . I do , i do .Laughing at my own tragedy and blaming myself as if this entire life was nothing but a joke .
Stay high xx
This sadness within me is taking over me and I can't control it anymore. Cried my tears away and the aching pain never leaves . Really need his shoulder to cry on now and I know that will never happen . Really want to hug him and keep him for good but I can't be selfish when he doesn't even want me
Am I worth ? I'm not .
I'm so tired I don't know when can this pain ever be gone . Sick of crying and hurting myself but theres nothing I can ever do . I give up , I want this life to be over so I can be happy once again . I don't want to live in misery and pain anymore, everydays is dreadful as ever and I can't keep this up . I'm reaching my breaking point and I'm snapping any moment.
Jesus , Im sorry I have failed you , I'm tired of being human .
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Its a friday , a really planless and lonely friday . Its been so long since I have been this lonely on a friday , other days at least I still have my friends with me but today , I'm all alone .
Went back my house which is all quite and souless . I don't even know what I want to do really, just gonna hit my bed and cry I guess ?
I want to sleep but the slumber doesn't fall on me , neither do I want to be awake facing this painful world . Everyone are looking forward to fridays and weekends while I'm here living like a dead.
The thought of me having a long journey ahead and I have to go through it alone , is scary .
I'm afraid of being alone , and I don't even know when had that fear developed. Don't know what I want to do next and what do I want in life.
Im back to the old xingzi , who have nothing to look forward to in life , just living like a dead .
TGIF ? No, TGIA - Thank God Im Alive
Trying to forget him day by day seems impossible because my mind kept lurking back to him. Loosing so much interest in school because everyday is the same and I just don't have anything to look forward to. I can't help but grab on that lil glimpse of hope that one day maybe , just maybe , he will be standing right there at his usual spot with his A jays plugged in ,and be there waiting for me... I know its impossible but let me lie foolishly to myself okay?
Because its painful and I have to bear with it . I really want him back and I really wish we could be just like before and be happy again but no , I can't. I can't be selfish and continue hurting him anymore because the pain I had give him before had destroyed him completely. Im tired , I'm tired of lying but what else can I do ? I want to love him but I don't want to hurt him . I'm just a friend really , a friend. This shit hurts me everyday and I have no idea when will all these pain ever be over . Every night is the same hope , same prayer , and I tell myself everything is in God's hand . If it meant to be it will be…
Days get darker and oddly it makes me feel safer . I like this darkness, it let's me hide my pain and be dark . And I realised everytime its dark he'll feel down and sad for his own problems. I want to be there and talk to him and shower him with care but I told myself not to , he doesn't need me , he have others..
May the light never shine on me again and let me sleep peacefully in my darkness
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
22 July 2014
Tonight shawn ask me to remove his account. I refused and told him I want him , I should never have said that… never .The taste of pain was swirling in my tongue crushing me into every pieces left possible to decompose . Heart sank and faith stop glowing, I could literally see myself loosing him , loosing us.
We quarreled and he told me that he will never come back, that he had enough and does not want to taste pain anymore. And I wept shedding tears of pleading with a silent prayer in my head whispering to me that I everything will be fine, that things will be fine , that we will be fine. I'm naive.
I have already lost it and I can never ever get it back, ever. I ignored the words that cut and continue believing that all will be well. He called and beg , telling me to let him go ,to move on and forget him.
But you know what ? He kept saying we'll be friends or nothing and I kept pushing a little, hoping a miracle . I don't care if its a 1 day or even 1 hr relationship, I just want him .He quarreled and with a slip of his tongue he called me "Bi.. " I lost because that's what I want , what I am. His babe . He apologize and asked me one last time "To be friends or nothing " and I said
"Friends , because I always end up listening to you.. " and hung up .
Heart ran , blood flew , the cut pleading a little deeper will end the pleasure but no , it doesn't take away the misery.
I thought : everytime he ask for a patch I wull always end up giving in to him , whatever he says I will follow. Mine fall on deafened ears.
Regrets and mistakes were the memories made and I tell myself I can't ever ever forget him .
He told me to get over him and that his sure and he can bet , I'll be able to do it .
I can bet I'll never forget you . Why ?
Because I remember and don't forget, because I have let him in and all the broken walls will always remind me of him. Because I can't be like him and move on easily . I can't. I ain't him.
We talked on the phone afterwards with the identity as a friend, a friend. I'm sorry no mater what I can't see him as a friend I really can't.
Today in school I cried again, during History I cried ,during Physics I cried ,even reccess I cried to Rochelle who don't even know how to react . But you know what ? Nobody realized I cried because I kept it silently…
It was only during our last period English, my teacher was absent and there I broke down in front of everyone. The class crowd over a lil girl crying on her desk , asking her what happened and showering concern. Hidayah hug me and asked :"Shawn ah ..?" and I broke down and cry harder ... The wise people Germaine and Israel came to me and comfort me I know they meant well but really…
The only person I want to talk about me and shawn's breakup , is Shawn himself .
I'm alone despite the large crowd tht hover around me , because I can't tell if people are genuinely concerned of me or are they just curious…
When the days over I texted him Jiayou for O level listening compre but no replies . when everything's over I walk out the gates with Jingyi who passed me a letter she handwritten to cheer me up
When I walk out the gates I endured my tears , tell myself don't think don't feel and hold my breathe a while but I couldn't hold back .
I was afraid that I couldn't make it home as everything I see kept reminding me of him . The bus stop , the bus ride everything. During the bus ride I cried again and when I finally reach the elevator I told myself to suck it in and I can let it all out when I'm finally home . when I got back I cried , in pain . The pain never left and they were taking over me . It hurt and I lost my self concious. Cousin hui qing saw me crying and she stood there looking at me while I cry , we didn't utter a word but the pain could be felt . She broke down too saying that my emotions had affected her and she tell me her problems . She gave me advice too but it really wasn't what I need , I just needed him .
Days get old and I'm loosing myself every second . These tears don't listen to me anymore and they flow together with the pain . I can't control myself but I don't want to be a burden to my family or friends. Because thats what I feel and I can't not think of it that way .
This solitudinal pain hurts just like how wolves howl to the moon , I'm just a wild wolf howling to my own pain .
Friday, July 18, 2014
Today let me share with you a story…
13 July 18
Today a lilttle girl broke down during English lessons .The teacher was talking to them about the essay "Wolf" and all the memories hit her like a tidal waves . Israel was sitting on her right and at first he thought she was sleeping so he nudge her to wake up , to only realize that she was actually crying . Lessons was still on and this girl was there , sitting with her head down and tears dripping down her face. Nobody knew she was crying because she kept her crying to a faint silence and the only one to realize was israel. He knew that she didn't want to let people know so he pass her a notebook with a tissue hid inside . And when the bell rang , she stood up ,thank him and went happily to her friends joining them for reccess. Nobody knew that a few minutes ago , she the happy girl , was crying because she remembered the happy times she had with the man of her life and she couldn't help but hate herself for pushing him away…
The dreaded school finally ended
She walk out of school with tears in her eyes , staring at the gates that was filled with memories . She took the same bus , sit at their usual spot and hold her tears. When she reached , she went to the pharmacy and bought panaldol pills . She made her way up to His house and called him a few times staying outside the doors for 15 mins. She prepared the worst and went into his house ,when she reach his room door she close her eyes and count to 10 , creaking the door knob and pushing the door a lil… and saw him lying there with an adorable and ever so familiar face sleeping peacefully. She smile at that sight and it was a sight she would never forget . She touch him and realize how hot he was , burning with fever . Using a damp towel wrapped with ice , she slowly iced him slowly and gently just like how he did to her before :')
She did that for the next 2 hours and once in a while tears will fall from her eyes as the memories run through her mind . A few time she tought "Maybe he's awake just that he don't want to wake up to face her… " she was right . At the end , she wrote at the panaldo 'Eat 2 tablets each time ' and gave a chaste kiss on his cheeks and left .
That lil girl cried when she got home but she was still satisfied with her efforts because his fever finally went down.
That night the girl texted him and they both chatted happily as a friend .
That girl , was me .
Saturday, July 12, 2014
2 post 1 day , how good is that ? But no before you get carried away thinking that this is going to be happy post , I can tell you it's not.
These are all my feelings and if you have negative comments about it please keep it to yourself and leave this page thankyou.
Alright so there's a love war goin on now . This girl seems to be interested in him and looking at their conversation (well obviously I stalk) I can't help feeling a total shit. Really seeing this situation and I have to keep it to myself kills and I don't even know what to feel. Can I delete away my feelings please? I'm sorry I really tried getting my feelings away but I can't do it. I keep stalking and stalking and each time I see new things my heart sinks and I can't keep up with this .Fuck hell please help me because I'm really done. I know what I'm about to see will cause my heart to sink into disappointments and fear but I cant hold back my curiosity and continue stalking. Is this counted as suicide because I know its gonna hurt like shit yett I continue to do it and each time I die in that pain . I'm tired I'm done. I don't want to feel anything and tonight I really wish im gone . Who should I please?My parents or him ? What about me, can I please myself? Kept giving and all I get is shit. I understand life is about giving and expecting nothing in return but there's a limit to all my givings because one day (which is right now) I'll end up nothing to give. Gave all I could and I'm left with nothing. I'm nothing.
Feeling like shit today . Just took panaldo coz my tummy was aching badly and im feeling feverish. well put those aside , im just gonna blog because I really can't sleep and I have no one to talk to and my feelings is erupting like a volcano.
Don't understand what's wrong with me really, I can't let go and neither can I go back . I'm just stuck in the middle feeling all fucked and shit . I've always tell myself that a relationship wont kill me nor will I feel anything after a break up. Guess I've lied to myself. Its been only 2/3 days after the break up and right now I don't know how did I managed to make it through the entire day . Really the time gets slower and each hour feels like forever. Tried to make use of the slow time and study but I can't. I fucking can't. I can't foucs and my mind kept linger back to him..
Really don't know how to go on .. Today he texted me to eat well and I literally just broke down . Can't hold in this emotions and I can't tell myself not to love him. I kept telling myself "Zi don't love him , I shouldn't care all .." but guess what , not only did I cared , I ended up getting worried and the anxiety inside me rose. Don't know what I should do and I have no idea that this relationship was going to be so impactful. All the while I have prepared myself to not love too hard but I failed again . I got carried away in the thick affection of love and I got addicted, leaving me unable to live without it. Gosh xingzi get a hold of yourself.. What is going on really ..
"YOU CAN'T HAVE THE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO"
This quote really sums up my entire problem and that's to pick one…
Really wish I can have a solution for this before I honestly loose myself...
My life is a struggle..
Friday, July 11, 2014
yes i know , The End right ? Confirm is some issues regarding failures , sadness blah blah blah all but please note , i didn't want to blog this post either but i really have to give an answer , an explanation for The End .
Well some of you probably had know about this but yes me and Shawn we have broke up , 220314 is gone .
Please bear with me i have a lot of feelings going on and it has been a shitty ass time . I know the first thing that came into your mind is ' Why your break ?' 'What happened ?' etc etc .
1)I was the one who bring up the break up
2)I had mentioned break up to him at least 10 times (i guess)
3)I fuck things up
Throughout these 111 days together , i must say it was the best 1 I've ever had. He was the first one to last at least , you read properly AT THE FUCKING LEAST last 1 month with me . BOOOM /mindblown/ yes i know im a terrible girlfriend to be with thats why all my relationship is a failure ...
Shawn is great really , endured all my nonsense and my retarded pre menstrual syndrome which include a)Moodswings b)temper c)cold shoulders d)pushing him away every time and e)mentioning break up
|starting off the day with him helpin me take a pic|
|at River Safari's Panda Teahouse|
|this was my favourite|
|amd hahaha this was a sneak photo we took because takin photo was prohibited|
Well i guess the biggest question you guys are going to ask me is...Do I still love him ?
If i say No i would be lying to you , but even till now I have been lying to myself.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
1)Its gonna be boring and you guys won't spend your time reading about it
and the most important factor of all....
3)IM TOO LAZY
A little update
Well jokes aside , this time I did damn badly for my MidYearExam like literally scored 33 for L1R4 which is like so bad omg . I scored a total of 5 F9s and 2B3s yeap no shame really no shame at all. Comparing to my results last year the difference is really damn big gosh how can I be so dumb . Well nevermind , i have give up on education anyway im just too tired to go on anymore i don't minf living poor and broke really im just so done .
Well today i decided to take a break and stay over at cousin's house , it wasnt crazily fun but it was really relaxing . Talked with cousin - Huiqing and it was good . So tired from this busy life and I really missed my laid back days when i was a kiddo , things were good and i had nothing to worry about .there was no dramas or stresses , and no judgmental bitches ,everything was cool . Ofcourse im grown up now,gotta face the world but im really not prepared . Sigh can I ever stop being childish ? Im afriad i will stay like this forever . Councillor Eillen said this attitude build up with me when i was a kid due to disappointments or whatsoever but really i don't care .
I just want to be me , a happy me.
|hehe after shower , happy sheep is happy|
|i like ma korean sheep towel cap hahah|
|that gurl was sleepin on top|
|ignore ma face please >///<|
|yes yes it my naked face please dont judge|
|hehe my lil dolphin <3|
|You bette watchout , he's starring into your soul|
|and ohyeah had my supper|
|Went to Changi airport the next day to fetch her sis|
|Aston for dinner|
and with that
|Picture of the post : just that little girl|
i bet no one reads to the end and im probably talking to myself ,thats alright im fine like that .