Life

1 January 2015

This is a highly requested post and I guess I'm finally able to blog about it . 

At this point of my life , I don't know where I'm heading to . Leaving home after a big fight with my father , I no longer felt the yearn to return home . Instead I've moved to my boyfriend's house and stayed with him . Living condition is alright and I'm currently holding a retail job in my hand requiring 9hrs work at least 5 times a week , life does not get tougher..

After work , my man will pick me up and lately we've been drinking and clubbing together . Other than my retail job , I work as an Promoter selling clubbing events tickets to people . The job looks easy but the pressure is real . Dealing with people and persuading them to buy from me is devastating especially if a certain target needs to be reached . I'm so tired , I lost control of myself sometime .. 

I just want to get rid of my soul and sleep in a rose garden forever .. Quarreling and fights start to occur more and more frequently in my relationship and today we have given up .. 

It's a wild life I'm grabbing on to , and I don't know how much longer I can manage .. I'm so tired everyday the moment my eyes are open and I feel like a mess . Nothing has been solved and I know this life is getting shittier . 1 month ago , I didn't know I would land myself I'm this deep ocean , slowly sinking deep . 

"I know I can't be loved again , maybe alcohols might fill in the pain "

I'm tired of feeling like this , I'm tired from my life . Lost faith in the burning fire in my heart and felt the agony washing my mind . Who knew the girl cried for her misery life , for she had lost herself while struggling through the night . Love her for tonight , drink her up like wine . Cigarettes kills and so do you , but gun shots are hurtful too . Crawling away from her sinful life , and fall into the dead sea of lie . 

This is the life I'm currently living , I woudnt call it life but what's more to it ? 

Pain is all I can feel , no agony no chill .

Concealed my feelings with each laughter , coz silence kills like the sound of metal . 

I've learned to lived like this , like a wolf howling in a mist. 

Best mistake

11 November 14 

This is a confession I have to make , I am currently in a relationship . 

This new relationship has changed me literally 180 degrees in my perspective of life . Many people hurled insults at me saying I did not love Shawn or my love to him was a lie but little did all of you know he is currently living happily with a new girl . 

It didn't hurt me , not an inch , only happiness and relieve pour into my mind when I first found out . I'm happy that he finally made up his mind , I'm happy that he is happy . But most of all I'm relieved that he is no longer confused in his thoughts , or his complicated heart . All this while I've been hoping I was the reason to all his answers , I guess I was wrong . To foolishly love , wait , and caused myself to be hurt because of a man that could not figure out his life - I was constantly living in torture and pain 

I was so ... Naive 

But I don't blame him , in fact , I've found a new love . Call him XX , but I am unsure of my love and this relationship could work for long . To me , he is a beginning , a start , a risk . The things he had given me tells me that I was worthy to feel happiness , that I could love again , and love another . 

The past had damaged me but he taught me to pick myself again . Did I love Shawn ? I did , crazily in love but that is the past . I do not need to put myself down and torture myself for his love , I'm done . XX is my risk , and whatever happens I will take it as a lesson . 

" If you love me , pull me back . 

   Because all I needed , was your love to stay in my heart " 

I know that it's crazy to start a new relationship again , but It doesn't bother me since I've already lost my mind at the beginning .

Both lovers are out of their mind , two of a kind , makes them bind . 

I love you 

Wild wild night

16th November 2014

That day I've prepared myself that I was going to see Shawn at the club . He texted me a couple hours before the event that my friend was hosting and I was the promoter . We chatted and I ended the conversation without memories in my head , all I know was the Longer we talked the more my heart throbs ...

Outside the club I saw him and even approached him for ticket sales . Walking over I behaved and endured myself to show that I've changed , he on the other hand was wearing the shirt that I bought for him for his Birthday and it aches my heart .... And from that moment all I could thought of was forgetting him ...

At the club we met and he texted me to go to the dance floor . All I could ever recall was me dancing with my BFF and the next moment he was standing just next to me . I threw myself out and got my hands in the air , so did he . My friends pulled me up the stage on the DJ Deck and we danced . I looked at him below the stage and forgotten everything behind . Mind swirl like a whirlpool and I was drunken in the music , I loved that drug that got me so crazy but at the same time it hurts to be an addict . The night went on and a few times he even came to talk to me but I was trying my best to ignore him and I pushed him away , with the best effort I could . 

After the event he texted me , asking for his clothes back and offering a dinner - that was it . That was all I could ever manage . Drunk in that sober hearts , my mind is playing a trick on me . God is pulling a prank on me to put Shawn back again . So so tired , I just want to enjoy this finally broken free single life and rave every fucking night . 

I want to be a wild wolf chasing the moon , with butterflies fluttering around me showering me with compliments . I love it , it's my assurance it's my satisfaction . That even if I have a deadly broken heart , I still have my outer shell that keeps me accepted in this society . Dancing in the crowd with the spot light hitting , the wolf lost herself in the night . Who cares there ain't no love in the world , nobody bothers anyway . 

Some nights shouldn't end and the wolf would howl to the moon , forever .

Drink the bottles with seducing tongues , maybe it's time for the game to begun.

Back

Hey dearest 

It's been such a hectic week and I'm finally able to say "O level is over " yay 

I know everyone will definitely be happy and celebrating for the end of O levels but for some reasons , it bites fear into and I'm a little afraid and lost .

Yeah sure the long hours of studying and all the stress is gone , but I find myself to lost my goal again . What should I do now ? What should I work hard for ? I have no idea .. 

   I hope I'm not the only one to feel this way   

Right now in my hands I have 2 jobs on hold , and it satisfy me to work and to be occupied . 

And ...

Last week , Shawn texted me . Nothing much just a couple of lines but it really hit me . I ended the conversation and I was proud of myself . Yeah zi you can do it , put that part of you away , you don't need it . Part of me wanted to cry , and my heart's telling me to die . I'm just so confused . I'm back guys , back to the old lonely days where pain hovers around me and my soul grasping for air . I'm back and I have nothing to be afraid . I told myself I don't have Love in my heart no more so I shouldn't be shaken - Not by anyone or anything . The wolf can slip into the night and have the wildest dreams but at the end of the day , it is pain that accompanies it to slumber . You know it's hard but you got to do it , just like how it's hard to bid farewell to the day and look forward to tomorrow . 

Wild for the night , wakes up the devil 

He told me to love and flashes memory in my cradle 

I held up the bottle with shaken fear 

Drank a couple shots with poisoned tears

I'm afraid please end this pain 

I want to die , I have nothing against 

Crawling away from the sickest love 

And fall to slumber in hell above 

Attempted a poem to summarise my life  

If you get it I wouldn't be surprise 

But when all else fails just remember what I've said 

I'm back and I have nothing to be afraid .

Sinner

I'm tired 

Done being myself , I'm changing into a demon I swore never to become . What's wrong ? Why do I do this ? I have no idea .. 

This is tiring , living gets tiring I'm so done . Some things on earth are probably not meant to have a happy ending , but an understanding . Zi's fine she's living everyday with crazy people pushing her to the demon . I can't lie , I like it too . It's a kind of thrill I never felt before and I love it . Living everyday like a alcoholic committing crime for some shots - we are all criminals .

Put that feeling away and waste the purely inspirit love while the crazy bitch conceals her pain . She drowns her sorrow with another shot , while the demons tempt her with another memory . She learnt that everyone is going to be brutal in her life and she has to be a hard steel . Conceal away that scar with a beautiful smile , while she turn her tears into another wine . The cold hard guns matches with the metal bullets fired to her heart . The bullets are still stuck inside but the soul has been engulf by the demon . This escape may eventually run out , but till then let me enjoy to the fullest . 

Done with the days dying on bed or crying at the corner , it's time for wild . Who turned her into this monster ? Nobody . Hard feelings are torturous souls that never made it to the sun , and she is reaching for the star to drink the moon .

Love ? What is that . 

It died when he left ... 

-

到最后我还是一个人 

怎么了？又想你了 

可你却不爱我了 

傻傻地等待 希望你能够回来

但心里知道你不会回头

这条路只有我一个人慢慢的走 慢慢地等 

什么时候才能停？

我好累了 心好酸了 

自己也不像我了 

告诉自己 别爱你 别想你 但心里的那份爱不能做到

被爱的滋味是什么 我也不知道 

自己心里在想什么 我也犹豫不决 

我爱错了什么 ？ 为何老天需要惩罚我？

不管天长地久 我都会等下去 

“天下无难事 只怕有心人”

我会一直等 等到你回来 回到我心里

silent wishes

13 October 2014
Its Shawn's birthday . waited for the clock to strike 12AM and wished him happy birthday ...

Me: Heyy happy birthday ! Stay happy and all the best for next year
Him: Thank you xingzi hehe ! I will and you too
Me: Welly

I was really happy that he replied me instead of ignoring but I didnt continue any further ... feel so happy and contented that he actually did replied me , God I can't ask for more
I made friends with one of his close dudes just to get closer to Shawn , we were both helping each other because on one hand he update me with Shawn's life and in return I give him relationship advice and be his listening ear . Friends with benefit but not in the sexual way stop thinking wrong .

Through his help , I manage to buy Shawn a gift and he pass it to him . He told me that Shawn wanted to get a White Formal short sleeve shirt and we went to TopMan and bought one for him . Im truly truly happy , I can't ask for anything more . Even though Shawn doesn't know that the present was from me , I am really happy that he receive it and I hope he likes it . What can I ask for ? Nothing . Wanted to get him a Nike Roshe Run at first because both of us agreed on getting that together when we were together .. but its okay , I think he'll love this present better .

Shawn there's so much I want to tell you and no words can describe how much I love you , really . Thank you for spending my Birthday with me , 3 weeks ago while we were still somewhat together , I thought we could spend your birthday together but no you left me . So today , I can only silently wish for you here in my little blog , to convey my feelings to you and hoping a miracle to happen . Thank you for giving me a wonderful birthday , we went to the ZOO and you made me like Birthdays because I've always hated it since nobody celebrates it for me . Even though you said that you'll celebrate it for me every year but I know it won't happen anymore . Its okay , I hope you will enjoy your birthday and spend it well with laughter .. I really miss you so damn hard and I know maybe I don't show it anymore but you got to understand - That when I tell you I will be here waiting for you , I truly am waiting ...
Please don't say that in the end everybody leaves because no, I'm not and I won't .Its been a hell of a 3 months without you and I'm still here waiting , longing for your love . Everyday I pray that one day Lord will have mercy and let you come back to me but somehow it ain't working . Am I wrong ? What should I do ? So many questions in my brain left unanswered and I don't know how to live . Trying my best to stay high but the demons always hunt me in my head , I was wrong I was bad , and I need forgiveness so bad .
Happy Birthday Shawn , I really hope you'll get sick of your solitude life soon because I'll be here waiting , for you.

I will love you till the end of time - Lana Del Rey 

Air

It's been more than a week since Shawn left , again. Tried texting him last night but he didn't reply , I don't know what to feel anymore . Another girl he once mentioned to me is soon taking over my place and I can't tell you how much it hurts . I know, that I will get replaced and it's probably just a matter of time but really - I wished it never happened . Looking at how she's making him smile , brightening his day and how they enjoy time together is really a living torture for me to endure . But I'll still look anyway because I can't stop myself . 

I can't stop myself to check his last seen every minute just to see whether his been texting or not , I can't go twitter without typing his name at my search bar just to check out what's he doing , I can't stop myself from checking his Favourites because I just want to know what interest him and I always see things that hurt me and I'll continue scrolling anyway ... 

I just can't stop caring for him 

When I say that I love you , I really do mean it deep . My feelings were never fake and I'm really afraid to love because shit like this will happen . I will torture myself and go long miles for him just to care a little . It hurts , everyday and everything hurts , but what am I suppose to do ? My soul keeps wanting to leave but my heart keeps yearning for his return . I just gotta press on and stay 

Sometimes feelings like this , it just makes me feel like Air . Yeah Air , invisible but you know it's there . This Air here has been constantly staying and pouring out herself but nobody can see it . The air is everywhere surrounding us and you can't see it - but you know it's there . It exist and it is here . Do you know how it feels like ? 

Three months had passed since the day we've broke up , three months I had lived living like a soulless wind . 

Wreck

Days passes like a withering flower trying to pull through the winter 

Crying and thinking is the only thing I do everyday . My stupid brain doesn't listen to me and keeps running the flashback in my mind . I try my best to be happy , and keep myself as occupied as I am . But the moment I stop , shit hits me again . Lord I'm so tired , I thought I have already lived through the dark ages but no , I'm back again . I can't do this , I can't go on living like this , I want to stop and want to end it . Fuck love for taking it's toll on me , leaving me lifeless and dead . 

How am I suppose to go on ...

I text my mum and she comes in my room and talk to me to keep me away from my suicidal thoughts , but it doesn't work . My head throbs and I can't stop wishing my heart to die . I really feel like dying. This overflowing sadness kills me and devour my soul , breaking my bones . I feel so wrecked and tortured living in this reality hell 

He brought me out of Hell but threw me back in there again 

I don't know how do I want to continue , I want to forget him and be happy again but I can't . He was a part of my everyday life and to live without him I feel so empty . I kept thinking how my life would be without him but those thoughts scare my mind because I never wished to live without him . Truth is , I wished he would be mine and stay . " I don't know how to be fine when I'm not , I don't know how to move on when I don't ."  Please let this dark times end , I'm gettin sick of dying a little more inside . Tears washes my face each morning as I wake up wet on my pillow casing. Not to mention seeing Him my dreams and waking up getting hurt because I miss him so much . What's wrong with me , why am I living like this . Why can't I stop ? I feel so  wreck like a shipwreck crash into the rocks , sinking down into the deadly sea before hitting the sea floor , staying there forever ... 

Back to the start

28 September 2014 , 12 34 AM 

Shawn has not been texting since last night and I felt that something was wrong . Finally after a few text from me pleading his reply , we finally talked . 

He doesnt want me anymore , again .

His words hit me hard , and the taste of pain lingered at the tip of my tongue , triggering the heart . I was walkin along the beach alone and I immediately sat in the sand and cried . Everything felt so brutal . The pain I felt just a few months ago , is coming back again . I pleaded him to stay and not leave but he refused and insist on us being friends but hey , we were friends all along . This didn't hurt as much as the first time because this time it wasn't my fault . He told me that he just wanted to be alone thus he decided to abandon me . Memories of me crying in classrooms , bus rides and all the misery nights flash through my mind and I was afraid . I was afraid of going through all that pain again , I was afraid that the feeling of death will soon linger back , I was afraid of not having him ...

At the beach I sat there alone , crying . I took out my phone and called my mum who was worried and fly down immediately in her car to meet me . She reached and we spent the night talking and advising me on how to handle the situation . She taught me a lot and enlightened me about things I have never considered before . She saved me from the night . We went home after the hours of talks and right now I am typing this blog out from my phone , crying . 

I can't tell you how much I've missed him, how much I wishes him to stay and how much I longed for his love . He told me to not stay but I know I always will . Don't be silly , I will always be here waiting for you . He told me we could still be friends and meet for dinners all but nothing more , and that he felt bad for the things he had done to me . But honestly I didn't cared , because all I want is him . Guess I going a little crazy , and I can't control myself anymore . God must be playing a trick on me , to put Shawn back into my life before pulling him out again . Lord , is this going to be my fate ? I hope not . I told myself not to give up because I have come so far and to me , giving up is not an option anymore . I'm going to stay and be his shadow . The golden nights stay as memories and how I wish it never turn into rust . I just can't get over how things change instantly within a night . Yesterday I was still at his apartment , spending the afternoon with him . And now I'm crying because his gone . I don't know what to feel anymore , I'm really just overwhelmed in this emotional roller coaster ride . I love him and this love will never stop . However I have decided to put down all hopes of us getting back together . Really I have given up , I will appreciate this little friendship we have , and be contented with whatever interactions we have . If he calls or meet with me , I will not have a slight glimpse of hope that we can be together because I know everything is simply false hope . Time to wake up zi , and stop dreaming . If we are meant to be we will be . But Lord I pray that one day maybe not now but in future , that this little friendship will slowly build up to a realtionship where both parties will have strong feelings for each other and not just a one sided feeling because I'm getting tired of constantly giving him love and not receiving anything . It's like Santa Claus giving presents to all kids in the world during Christmas but none of the kids appreciate his efforts and he doesn't receive any presents in return . It's alright , I tell God that I am grateful for whatever he has given me and I should be contented instead of whining about my loss . 

Well I'm back to the start now , the start where I have to wake up every morning without reiceving his lovely messages and living each day feeling like a year has passed . Its back to the stranger stage where everything feels a little awkward deep inside you heart and it's the bitter sweet taste of love . Everyday feels aimless and I'm constantly finding activity to occupy myself . Nights feel old and sucidal thoughts feel my soulful mind because memories hit me hard . It's the period of time where I am constantly finding myself desperate for his love , the lonely heart needs something to feel and death fills the space . I'm so afraid .It's gonna be painful but I'm going to survive through it . I tell myself I can and I really wish I could . 

Nights like this I really miss him so much and I need him by my side . His warm hugs which brings his heart close to mine and his heavy cigarettes scent fills my nose . He still owes me 2 hugs and I wonder if I have any chance of redeeming them . I hope tomorrow if I wake up , he would be there , beside me , with one arm underneath my head like a pillow and another arm holding my waist . But the reality is brutal and deep down I really hope my slumber never ends because I know that it will never happen . He won't come back . Sometimes I ask myself when will I receive his love again and I finally found my answer today , it has been here all along and today I finally swallow the painful truth down - Never . 

Shawn I love you , I know you want to be alone , and I won't force you to be with me . But whatever it is I truly hope that one day , maybe , when you finally got sick of solitudinary life and wishes for accompany , I hope you will turn to me first thing in your head because I will always be here waiting for your love . I never lied to you anything and I will always stay . 

That afternoon , where he wrapped his arms around me and we cuddle to sleep , this memory will forever stay . 

I love you ...

Fated pain

This happened on 21 September 2014 , Sunday . 

That night was chilly , and as usual I tried sneaking out to meet Shawn .Wearing his sweater , I set off into the night to meet him .  But sadly I got caught by my mother and she persuaded me not to . So there I was with my mom , standing by the gates of the door , me crying pleading her to let me out into the night and she grabbing me to stay . We talked , I cried , washing out my feelings and thoughts about the house - this family . I told her I resented staying in the house while my heart was tearing and that my heart seek for the wild night to pass the soulful hours . She gave in , and I promised her I'll be home by daylight before I quickly flew out to grab the lift . Just when I was about to reach the lift , the lift pop opened itself. It was pitch dark as the light wasn't working and I was holding back , contemplating to take the stairs . I took a step back but realise a person was in there , a person with a familiar face ... It was Shawn .

He saw me crying and was shocked . Wiping my tears with his sweater , I pushed him into the lift and hit "1" . In the lift he asked me what's wrong but I just kept weeping . When we walked out , I broke the entire situation to him pieces by pieces with pauses in between while I cry . He stopped walking and pull me into his arms and I cried in his chest , i never felt heaven this close to me before .

Went to his house and stayed for the night , the whole scene kept playing in my head and I kept wondering if it was fate that brought Shawn there ? I don't know , my mind is a whirlpool and I'm stuck drowning in the sea . I believe that everything is in God's plan , and that whatever happens will lead to the way how he wrote my destiny. I love Shawn and that night was a truly painful yet fated night for me , and I really hope that somewhere in the corner where my fate lies in God's hand , I will find Shawn there . 

An earpiece relationship

3rd and 5th August 2014
went out with Shawn on these two days . 3rd August because he asked me out to slack and we slept together at his house . Everything that night was perfect that no language in the universe could describe its beauty . The only flaw that nigh was me , that weak and ugly me who couldn't hold myself and cried . That night just before we slept , we talked and then i turn my back towards him , for a backhug. Here come's the fault - i didn't know why , i just thought of our happy memories and i broke down . There right there , in his arms , on his bed , me oh me crying , disturbing his sleep. He didn't heard it at first only till he talked to me and i suppressed my crying then he realise. He turned , look at me and asked whats wrong and i just told me nothing . Really nothing's wrong because ...

I'm nothing 

im the one that's wrong , im just purely nothing .
He told me to turn and face him but i stared at his chest instead , burying my thoughts in . He beg me to pour out my thoughts and tell me the reason but I just couldn't bring myself to do it , Im so darn afraid i just can't .
I love you Shawn , I really don't want to be your tripping stone .
It hurts for me to type this but i still gotta go on , to be honest this is a confession :
Every word i type here is my last word living . I don't want to leave this word without inking every words and thoughts my heart is filled with. As least when I'm gone , I have some words left in this word for people to read , maybe my parents , my cousins , Shawn or even you dearest readers , at least i have my inking done in this world.

ALRIGHT BACK TO STORY
The tears flow and my heart bleeds. Im all wrapped in his arms , close to the heart but deep down I know , that its far far away , lost in the sea of broken hearts. He stroke my hair in that ever so raspy voice saying 'Im so confused i dont even know , so don't think too much okay?'  My heart stopped beating since that instant and till now I am not living . I breaks my heart to know that he doesn't know , I really don't know and Im afraid to know , I just God wish that Im not living ...

That morning came and around afternoon we talked , in bed , hugging . He asked me a few 'Boyfriend quesstions' which means like only boyfriends will ask and one of it daunted me
'why are you not into other guys anymore ?'
'because im not interested'
'why are you not interested ?'
sigh..
'do you really want to know ..
because im only interested in loving you'
this pain lasted the entire day and every once in a while it rings in my head an i can't tell you how much it hurts

An aching soul a sinking heart , one last breath pulls me apart.

He fell asleep , soon shortly . And thinking he was asleep i told him some of my deep thoughts to him ,stupidly. He shh my saying i was noisy and told me to sleep, im so sorry i really shouldn't have been such a disturbance . I turned and buried my face into the pillow which he kept teasing me 'Shy girl ah shy shy ah...'

I couldn't take it , i left . Went home and cried which eventually drifted me to sleep . 

5th August 2014 - Tattoo Day

I woke up around 7 am . Checked my phone not expecting a single text . I texted Shawn and realised that he has his first tattoo appointment today and only one friend was accompanying him , he asked me if i would like to accompany him and me...?

Fuck yes.

Met him and his friend - Brandon who is a really funny guy.We chat and took an express bus where the journey was super long and me and Shawn made a new friend who is just a little boy .I waved to that little fella and started playing with him until Shawn joined us .Looking at him cheeky , playful and adorable with kids really melts my heart.Damn how did he even do that ? I have no idea .

In the tattoo shop , that silly boy was super excited for his first inking experience . He had a full outline of chest piece done and the experience was brutal . He endured the pain and made through the suffering . The tattoo was nice and after that we went back home together and drift to sleep 

Someday just gets better and I really hope these days will never turn gold . I want everything to stay and I want happy moments to continue . Well it's not up to me to decide though - everything's in God's hand and I know that as long as I never give up , God will surely help me 

This post is called and earpiece relationship because that's how I feel . When he needed some music , he can plug me into one of his ears and enjoy . If he want to have an even better listening experience , he can plug both of this earpiece in and I'll feel like the happiest girl receiving all his attention and focus . 

However bad days where he wants to be  free and wild with music , he can throw away this pair of earpiece and go crazy .

I'm an earpiece . He may plug one side of me into him while having other earpieces plugging into his other ear . Once in a while he will remove the other earpiece and insert both of me in and giving me all the tender loving care . Other time he will remove me and throw me aside , replacing the ears with other earpiece . 

I don't know why I use earpiece but I find it really relatable to me .. 

An earpiece relationship 

Late empty love

1 August 2014 

That night I was crying hoping God to not wake me up the next day because I had a terrible fight with mother and my heart was broken , torn and shredded.

The night grew and I suddenly recieve a text from Shawn 

"Go sleep tho I'm going Al-Azar" 

"Hmm I shall go there then " I replied. 

So yeah I sneak out of home in the middle of the night around 4 am , to see my love .

We met together with 2 of his friends and we had supper together , eating happily . After supper he asked "want to go up my house?"

Fuck yes.

Over at his house , we lay on the bed all 4 of us singing songs and talking shit . I lay at the corner then Shawn and I can't tell you how much I have missed our intimacy . Once in a while he will put his arms over me or his hands around my waist and I could have literally die omg the tension was high. After a while 1 of the friend left , leaving me , Shawn and another friend . We changed sleeping positions but the order was the same , me in the corner then Shawn . The friend was nice and friendly and after a while he went to bathe , leaving me and Shawn on the bed . 

We shared the same pillow and our face was close to each other . Nose brushes and breathe tinkles . It felt as if the first time me and Shawn kissed , we were both lying on the bed with our face as close as this but only Shawn pulled me nearer his face which he lean forward for a kiss . 

This time it was different , we were close and at first I wanted to lean forward but failed because it wasn't close enough . He pinch my cheeks and rested his palm on my face which I thought of a really really cunning idea. Staring at him I grab his jaws between my fingers and went like "aww your face so chubby " but / plot twist / I pulled his face to me and kissed him . 

I . Kissed . Him . 

He didn't react anything big though , he continued the kiss and touch my face . Gave him a little bite on the lower lips which is normally how I kiss , everything went wild. I was drunken with this taste of love and I lost myself . 

The night went on and we fell asleep together . His arms was my pillow and I felt secure and blessed under this little castle . I thought to myself , what kind of love is this ? Because I have no idea . Does he love me ? Does he want me back ? I don't know . This love is going crazy and I have already lost my mind . Perhaps it's all my wishful thinking that maybe , just maybe , our feelings were mutual but I dare not ask . I missed him dearly and every minute right now I'm stuck with the scene of us kissing . Sigh I'm confused . I don't know where I stand or who I am to him . Probably a toy . During our sleep , I turned and back face him and he wrap his arm around my waist and pulled me closer , what was that ? Love ? 

I really hope that night didn't end and the sun never rose . 

Crazy

26/7/14

Today Shawn texted me to go for dinner and I can't tell you how my heart sprint and how I screamed when I received that text . At first knowing I had Night Study Programmed , he told me he may not be meeting me because I was thinking about skipping but eventually I went and we met up at 8 pm

He was outside my school and my heart was going insane . The same familiar tall black figure standing outside the gates 

Oh my baby , I'm drinking in that view.

I dash all the way to him and he told me to relaxe 

Does he have any idea how much I wanted to pop into his arms and give him a big big hug ? 

We talked and laughed , went dinner at KFC and sat at the spot we sat previously . Everything was great ,of course there were times where we both didn't talk at all but it's alright , I enjoyed his presence around me . It felt so blissful . When we were at KFC queuing up to order , I looked at his back and flash back to when we were previously together , everything just hurt so bad.

I missed clinging on to him and hugging him although we were queuing , I missed standing next to him and cutting his queue because I know he will definitely let me go first , I missed being his.

After dinner we went to slack and we sat at a bench and chatted when he suddenly pinch my cheeks /my heart fucking BURST OMG / and a few times his fingers gently brushes my knuckles and ohh it felt heavenly I'm not even kidding. 

I told him "Don't touch my cheeks okay , my cheeks are made of gold " and probably because he knew I still have feelings for him , he tease me and say 

"You sure you don't want me to touch ? You sure ? "

"Shut up"

"Want or don't want ?"

"...want ..."

And he gave me another pinch again 

My heart probably stopped beating afterwards.

We sat close and we laughed together , his friends tease us and it didn't bother at all . He looked at my hand sanitizer and said "whoa I missed this " and squeeze out some on his palm "I think I squeezed out abit too much" 

"Give it to me then" I reached out my palm . He kept his palm away from me just like a little boy trying to protect his last piece of candy but eventually gave in 

He smear his palm against mine and my skin tinkles under his hand . We talked and he went to Instagram and scrolled at his timeline to found my recent video of #ALSicebucketchallenge .He watched it on repeat and laughed at every loop , I looked at his face as he laughed and it warmed my heart , that silly silly boy . 

We tease each other verbally and everything just seem so perfect - to me . When it's finally time to go he called his friend up to give us a lift and we sat the friend's van to home . 

He turned and looked at me "No need for bus rides " and I don't know why it made me really happy . The ride was good , filled with laughter and Shawn rested his hand on my knees , sigh I'm really missing it . 

When I finally got home I texted him "Thanks for the great night " and he replied "No problem stupid it's nothing "

The last word killed me , it wasn't nothing , it was everything to me . It may purely be a simple dinner with a friend to him but it wasn't at all to me , I'll never regard him as a friend but a lover .

Don't worry when you lost your way , I'll be your constellation and guide you the way back home with my stars . 

My secret shot of him , damn so perfect I want him .

killing it

I'm just going to pour out every inch deep of my thoughts and cry my heart out, so please don't judge and don't speak a word.

15/8/14
 A month ago , Shawn left me . A month ago I thought that I'll be better and my life will be fine without him , guess I'm wrong. A month passed and I'm still the same shit. I hate myself for killing that emotional man , causing him to walk away from me . Im so so regretful. Every night the same thought drinks my soul and I can't tell you how much I've missed him . I haven't seen his face for so long and the image turns blurry . I push myself and hid in a corner ,wearing his sweater and sniffing on his shirt. The smell , the memories , the love are all there , what's gone was the soul. I really love him deep into my bones. And what hurt the most is realizing how much i didn't meant to him, how easy I was to be forgotten , how replaceable I was.

Fear grips me thinking the fact that another girl will soon take my place and that fucking hurts. I don't want , I don't want that to ever happen but it is only a matter of time. God is probably punishing me for all my sinful act, I'll accept it . Even when his heart is no longer mine ,even when his love is for another , even if he is no longer Him , I'll stay and be here.

Dear Karma ,
I accept every slap you have blown on my face , its okay I'll bear the pain .Just tell me that everything is going to be over soon because i have no idea how much more before my soul leaves the temple.

My heart is long torn and my soul is long gone , what's left is my love for him.

I miss him and I need him .Please come back , I'll be waiting .I've lost count for the number of times i have prayed for his return , my faith is fading but I tell myself to be strong . These delusional thoughts lie to my sober mind but i still drink them in.Its hard to stay positive , its even harder for me to live.I really really want to give up.

Everytime I tell Shawn I gave up ,I didn't mean it that way. I didn't give up on Him or Us , 

I give up on myself.

So tired of living , who knew it was so hard to be human ? Lord I'm done , take my soul back as I fall into eternal slumber . Crush my bones and leave the ashes , for my regretful soul will always linger on love.

A month ago , I didn't knew a month later my mind is sunk into death. Death ain't the easy way out , its my only way to feel alive again.

Fall Falling Fell

I love you Shawn.
Even if you don't love me , even if you fall for others - I'll still love you.

I'm yours , even if you're not mine.

I really want him back, these sadness isn't fading and each day it just build up higher and higher. I'm so tired , I tried to occupy my life just like what He is doing but at the end of the day , my thoughts always linger back to him .
Shawn please please please for the love of God , please come back to me. I've changed I mean it , I won't be that reckless Zi anymore, I will be a good girlfriend, I will cherish our relationship, I will do what it takes to make you happy, I will be "you" in our relationship. Please come back.
Right now I'm crying while hugging Pocho - the soft toy he gave me for my birthday , in my arms. I missed him so damn hard and what hurts more is seeing him being happy with other girls really kills.

This internal pain feels like gravity. It pulls my heart down every minute and I'm drowning inside, I'm drowning myself.

I'm torn and broken , I have nothing left .Why must tragedy always happen in my life , why me ? Why God ? Please make everything stop , I'm already gone. It hurts , everything hurts. No matter how hard I try to be happy and positive, I always end up being depressed and broken at the end . Can time rewind? Can I go back to the past ? I'm at my wits end .
I'm sinking into a deep deep ocean full of pain and broken pieces and what's worst is that Shawn knows about me drowning but he will not come back and save me , he won't. Its so painful typing this and I can't describe to you how hard I'm feeling right now . I love you, I'll stay .

All I wish is the Love of yours.

Unwanted

Last night , Shawn tweeted about how much he miss "her" and that he regreted all blah blah blah . But what's on my mind the entire night was who is "her"..?
Couldn't sleep and my headache was hurting badly , my mind just couldn't stop thinking whoever this her is . And I came to a conclusion, its his prev ex…
It hurt , badly. Knowing that he doesn't want me instead he wants back his previous ex . Ofcourse I ain't sure whether she IS "her" or not but guessing from the angle I'm looking - she fits the picture perfectly…

If only I could be "her"…

I know I ain't , and I'm not putting ny hopes anywhere. If only he didn't love another but love me. If I had cherished him. If I had loved him and showered him with love. If I never left and hurt him….
If I wasn't me ..
Everything is crushing me into bits and pieces and every night its the same pain , same hope that one day he'll love me , again . Im tired of my regretful life I really need him back please don't leave me

unwanted

Stay

Last night I cry while praying to have Shawn back . I fell asleep with my hands clasped in prayer and my phone's vibration woke me up .
Shawn rted my tweet
I can't tell you how idiot I was, although it was just purely a rt , it made me really happy inside.
This morning miracle appeared. I drag my dead lifeless body to school and when I was about to fall asleep, Shawn texted me.
Butterflies fluttered around in my tummy and I could feel as if it was going to explode. He told me not to be sad and that I will have a great day . I cried and I asked him if he would mind staying up a lil while to chat with me .
He said "Anytime woman"
We talked mostly about his problems and that how difficult his life was .As we talked ,he even send me a photo of him saying that it will make me feel happy .
It really did :)
We talked and out of the blue he mentioned about me finding guys . And I replied
"Its my decision to move on"
I can't tell you how much I hate myself after realizing that what I've typed might mistaken him . I really didn't realize until I re-read our entire conversation for the 6th time.
Omg Shawn please don't ever think that I'll move on from you because I can swear to you - I won't.
He said "New ones come , some old ones stays" and  asked "Are you staying? "
I wish I never left you in the first place Shawn , I'm so sorry .
Told him I'll stay but he added that I'll only stay for a while . Idiot, why can't you just understand that I'm never leaving ever again..?
In class Germaine wrote a song all by herself called "Why won't you remember " and it made me cry . That girl gave me a hug but I know all I need now is Shawn .
Shawn I'm sorry , I really hope you'll figure out your life and please remember I'm still here , staying…

He said I could edit the photo but you 

know what ? I prefer it the way it is 

-Simple , original and just him ❤

I can't love him

"I can't love him"
That , was his name in my contact when we broke up previously.
I've just came back from visiting cousin, and seeing her being well and having things under controlled really makes me very heartening
When I visited her , me and cousin Jocelyn (aka hui qing's sis ) talked. She knew about my struggles and talked to me about it .I broke down a lil and it made me feel better .
Thought about him , about us and I can't tell you how much it hurts . He wants to start his life again and doesn't want me back . I know , typing this really hurts me…
I know I know I know, the fucking truth is right in front of me but I choose to blind my eyes
I know what he wants and it ain't me , I know but I just can't let it go ...
It hurts but you know what ? I won't pester him anymore, I'll let him free just like how he gave me my freedom. It's fine , I'll be fine eventually..
But don't get me wrong, I will never ever stop loving him or get over him , simply because I can't and I don't want to . I'm sorry I know that this decision is bad and that it ain't worthy but
I don't even know what's worthy anymore
Worth ? Hahaha it doesn't exist . The painful truth that nothing is worth in this world and you gotta swallow it down . I want him to live a great life ,to fill his dreams and not be tied down to me because at least he is happier . Dont get me wrong , he ain't happy , but at the very least he ain't sad . His happier , so will I . He won't be happy because there's still 101 things making him sad in this world but without me - his happier .
Just like why he let me go so that I'll be "happy"
It's wrong, letting go isn't giving happiness, its a misconception ,a wrong mentality.
If letting go is happiness so is holding on pain? Nope ,you're wrong . Letting go is pain and holding on is happiness , trust me . Theres nothing happy letting go , its weak . Why would you want to let go of something you've held on for so long ? Coz you're a failure?  Don't be a failure really. 
Im a failure I know that but please don't end up being one. Guys please don't let go , hold on to your princess because at the end of the day you know - that she will always appear in your mind right before you head to bed . You know its her so why avoid it and lie to yourself, don't.

"What comes easy doesn't last , and what last won't come easy "

maybe its time to be true to yourself

Neglect

Right now I'm on the bus all alone , crying. Please don't judge me crying in public because I really hate it too . I just can't control my tears anymore…
Today after ASP I received a piece of dreadful news - My cousin , huiqing , is going be be admitted to the hospital for 2 weeks due to low heartbeat .

And I'm really really really afraid of missing another loved one

Ever since young, me and huiqing was always together and she was my competitor . No matter what we will always be comparing each other because her mum always like comparing both of us . I resented the lifelong competition and I really really hated her for a period in my life simply because she was always my enemy .
Since this year I have distanced myself away from my cousin because I was too occupied with my life. Right now upon hearing such a tragic news , I can't help but feel afraid and lonely.
All the time whenever its my birthday she will always write me a birthday card with a note "you're my best cousin on earth" inside . This year she got me a starbuck drink and said " this perhaps would be my last present to you … "
I never put her words to my heart because I thought she was just over reacting and that everything will be fine , but now everything's crumbling.
Fear grip my heart and I'm afraid another person will leave me ...
Please don't leave , don't leave me alone

Blunt

He texted me today asking me if I was going out all , my faith lighted up and immediately faded when I realize all he need is someone to text to .
It hurt ,awfully. Realizing that I was merely a partner to talk for the sake of killing time . When time's up , I have to pack my shit and leave . Im so damn fucking tired , I'm Torn and shattered .I just want to get out of here and leave really, theres no worth staying I'm just done .I waited for his reply , staring at my phone for hours and letting time flow by , I really want to give up .

I really want to give up

At night he texted back , and later on he texted me again saying telling me the correct ingredients and saying I was dumb . It made me laugh and cry at the same time .I didn't even know that was possible 

Honestly, I was never happy the entire time , but people fall for my smiles . Around 1 am my pain hit me and many people came and 'talk' to me asking me if I'm alright and if i needed someone to talk to . What a fucking dumb question ...

Humans are born filled with curiosity in their hearts , and i know thats how they feel asking me those fucking questions . Please don't be curious really , I don't need someone to be curious about me , just stop it . Please care because thats all i truly need right now , a caring heart .

Perhaps God was playing a prank on me , Shawn texted me the same things...

It was fucking with me mentally and I can't feel it anymore . I asked him if he was genuinely concerned or simply just curious...He said "Concerned" .

Its funny how life always end up in a twist. Good things turn back and back things turn good . We talked , just for short,and he told me his problems and that 

'He want to be alone and start his life afresh'

Blunt words cut me like a razor sharp knife , his texts constantly echoed through my mind and it is killing me.

Shawn please spare me from this misery, Im reaching my breaking point ...

He can always have me whenever he want but I can never have him ,ever .

Tonight the wolf is howling to the moon ,again..
x

Worth

Today Shawn texted me , told me his in difficulty and that he needed my help .
I cried while texting and everything hurt . Told him I'll be there whenever he needed someone and he thank me .After a while we chat a little and it hurt really . Pain in the chest that I miss him so much and seeing him in such a state makes me want to love and care for him more .
I'm a friend, I'm a friend. I'm just a friend.
When he got his stuff I told him I'm not worthy anymore and he reacted with anger telling me not to annoy him .
Idiot , I didn't want to annoy you any further thats why I don't want to bother you…
He can always find me when he needed someone, but I have no one left to find .
We continue chatting until theres nothing to reply no more . He said my life is better because at least I have a school. But really whats the point of going to school when all I do is cry and think of him in lesson ? I can't focus and I'm stuck. This life hurt and I'm basically a complete failure…
I have finish all my worth to him , I shall leave…

Stay high

Timecheck its 3:47
Time is passing so slowly and my mood is getting shittier and shittier
I don't know what i want to , just blogging and pouring out my feelings since i have no one to talk to . Alone and depressed this 2 things goes ugly together . Ugly with a beauty in it .
i don't know whats going on in my brain , guess I'm going crazy ? Haha all the better i don't want to be in a state where my mind is cleared , really its scary when im cleared because all the more i will think of the pain .
Please listen to the song - Stay high by Tove lo , because it speaks everything for me .

"You're gone and i gotta stay high , all the time to keep you off my mind.

High all the time to keep you off my mind .

Spend my days locked in the haze , trying to forget you babe , I fall back down.

Gotta Stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you ."

I'm tired , i want to give up . There's nothing left yet it still has the power to kill me , i don't know how.

Nothing kills me . 

Loosing appetite and mentally broken i don't know how do i continue . Nobody cares and nobody stays , its a thing I've always told myself but why did i forget ? Caught up with love that swirl me like a tidal wave , he made me feel special , beautiful and worthy. And when he left i fell back to the ground ,leaving me with nothing but emptiness. I hate him , i do. But the more i hate him the more i fall back in love to him . I shouldn't be the one thats hurt ,really im so tired .
My head whispering : Worthless little bitch , and my mind shouting to me You deserved it . I do , i do .Laughing at my own tragedy and blaming myself as if this entire life was nothing but a joke .
Stay high xx

Does sadness have an end ?

This sadness within me is taking over me and I can't control it anymore. Cried my tears away and the aching pain never leaves . Really need his shoulder to cry on now and I know that will never happen . Really want to hug him and keep him for good but I can't be selfish when he doesn't even want me
Am I worth ? I'm not .
I'm so tired I don't know when can this pain ever be gone . Sick of crying and hurting myself but theres nothing I can ever do . I give up , I want this life to be over so I can be happy once again . I don't want to live in misery and pain anymore, everydays is dreadful as ever and I can't keep this up . I'm reaching my breaking point and I'm snapping any moment.
Jesus , Im sorry I have failed you , I'm tired of being human .

A Living dead

Its a friday , a really planless and lonely friday . Its been so long since I have been this lonely on a friday , other days at least I still have my friends with me but today , I'm all alone .
Went back my house which is all quite and souless . I don't even know what I want to do really, just gonna hit my bed and cry I guess ?
I want to sleep but the slumber doesn't fall on me , neither do I want to be awake facing  this painful world . Everyone are looking forward to fridays and weekends while I'm here living like a dead.
The thought of me having a long journey ahead and I have to go through it alone , is scary .
I'm afraid of being alone , and I don't even know when had that fear developed. Don't know what I want to do next and what do I want in life.
Im back to the old xingzi , who have nothing to look forward to in life , just living like a dead .
TGIF ? No, TGIA - Thank God Im Alive

Day by day

Trying to forget him day by day seems impossible because my mind kept lurking back to him. Loosing so much interest in school because everyday is the same and I just don't have anything to look forward to. I can't help but grab on that lil glimpse of hope that one day maybe , just maybe , he will be standing right there at his usual spot with his A jays plugged in ,and be there waiting for me... I know its impossible but let me lie foolishly to myself okay?
Because its painful and I have to bear with it . I really want him back and I really wish we could be just like before and be happy again but no , I can't. I can't be selfish and continue hurting him anymore because the pain I had give him before had destroyed him completely. Im tired , I'm tired of lying but what else can I do ? I want to love him but I don't want to hurt him . I'm just a friend really , a friend. This shit hurts me everyday and I have no idea when will all these pain ever be over . Every night is the same hope , same prayer , and I tell myself everything is in God's hand . If it meant to be it will be…
Days get darker and oddly it makes me feel safer . I like this darkness, it let's me hide my pain and be dark . And I realised everytime its dark he'll feel down and sad for his own problems. I want to be there and talk to him and shower him with care but I told myself not to , he doesn't need me , he have others..
May the light never shine on me again and let me sleep peacefully in my darkness

Left

22 July 2014
Tonight shawn ask me to remove his account. I refused and told him I want him , I should never have said that… never .The taste of pain was swirling in my tongue crushing me into every pieces left possible to decompose . Heart sank and faith stop glowing, I could literally see myself loosing him , loosing us.
We quarreled and he told me that he will never come back, that he had enough and does not want to taste pain anymore. And I wept shedding tears of pleading with a silent prayer in my head whispering to me that I everything will be fine, that things will be fine , that we will be fine. I'm naive.
I have already lost it and I can never ever get it back, ever. I ignored the words that cut and continue believing that all will be well. He called and beg , telling me to let him go ,to move on and forget him.
But you know what ? He kept saying we'll be friends or nothing and I kept pushing a little, hoping a miracle . I don't care if its a 1 day or even 1 hr relationship, I just want him .He quarreled and with a slip of his tongue he called me "Bi.. " I lost because that's what I want , what I am. His babe . He apologize and asked me one last time "To be friends or nothing " and I said
"Friends , because I always end up listening to you.. " and hung up .
Heart ran , blood flew , the cut pleading a little deeper will end the pleasure but no , it doesn't take away the misery.
I thought : everytime he ask for a patch I wull always end up giving in to him , whatever he says I will follow. Mine fall on deafened ears.
Regrets and mistakes were the memories made and I tell myself I can't ever ever forget him .
He told me to get over him and that his sure and he can bet , I'll be able to do it .
I can bet I'll never forget you . Why ?
Because I remember and don't forget, because I have let him in and all the broken walls will always remind me of him. Because I can't be like him and move on easily . I can't. I ain't him.
We talked on the phone afterwards with the identity as a friend, a friend. I'm sorry no mater what I can't see him as a friend I really can't.
Today in school I cried again, during History I cried ,during Physics I cried ,even reccess I cried to Rochelle who don't even know how to react . But you know what ? Nobody realized I cried because I kept it silently…
It was only during our last period English, my teacher was absent and there I broke down in front of everyone. The class crowd over a lil girl crying on her desk , asking her what happened and showering concern. Hidayah hug me and asked :"Shawn ah ..?" and I broke down and cry harder ... The wise people Germaine and Israel came to me and comfort me I know they meant well but really…
The only person I want to talk about me and shawn's breakup , is Shawn himself .
I'm alone despite the large crowd tht hover around me , because I can't tell if people are genuinely concerned of me or are they just curious…
When the days over I texted him Jiayou for O level listening compre but no replies . when everything's over I walk out the gates with Jingyi who passed me a letter she handwritten to cheer me up
When I walk out the gates I endured my tears , tell myself don't think don't feel and hold my breathe a while but I couldn't hold back .
I was afraid that I couldn't make it home as everything I see kept reminding me of him . The bus stop , the bus ride everything. During the bus ride I cried again and when I finally reach the elevator I told myself to suck it in and I can let it all out when I'm finally home . when I got back I cried , in pain . The pain never left and they were taking over me . It hurt and I lost my self concious. Cousin hui qing saw me crying and she stood there looking at me while I cry , we didn't utter a word but the pain could be felt . She broke down too saying that my emotions had affected her and she tell me her problems . She gave me advice too but it really wasn't what I need , I just needed him .
Days get old and I'm loosing myself every second . These tears don't listen to me anymore and they flow together with the pain . I can't control myself but I don't want to be a burden to my family or friends. Because thats what I feel and I can't not think of it that way .
This solitudinal pain hurts just like how wolves howl to the moon , I'm just a wild wolf howling to my own pain .

Every 22nd is our day 

Tried

Today let me share with you a story…
13 July 18
Today a lilttle girl broke down during English lessons .The teacher was talking to them about the essay "Wolf" and all the memories hit her like a tidal waves . Israel was sitting on her right and at first he thought she was sleeping so he nudge her to wake up , to only realize that she was actually crying . Lessons was still on and this girl was there , sitting with her head down and tears dripping down her face. Nobody knew she was crying because she kept her crying to a faint silence and the only one to realize was israel. He knew that she didn't want to let people know so he pass her a notebook with a tissue hid inside . And when the bell rang , she stood up ,thank him and went happily to her friends joining them for reccess. Nobody knew that a few minutes ago , she the happy girl , was crying because she remembered the happy times she had with the man of her life and she couldn't help but hate herself for pushing him away…
The dreaded school finally ended
She walk out of school with tears in her eyes , staring at the gates that was filled with memories . She took the same bus , sit at their usual spot and hold her tears. When she reached , she went to the pharmacy and bought panaldol pills . She made her way up to His house and called him a few times staying outside the doors for 15 mins. She prepared the worst and went into his house ,when she reach his room door she close her eyes and count to 10 , creaking the door knob and pushing the door a lil… and saw him lying there with an adorable and ever so familiar face sleeping peacefully. She smile at that sight and it was a sight she would never forget . She touch him and realize how hot he was , burning with fever . Using a damp towel wrapped with ice , she slowly iced him slowly and gently just like how he did to her before :')
She did that for the next 2 hours and once in a while tears will fall from her eyes as the memories run through her mind . A few time she tought "Maybe he's awake just that he don't want to wake up to face her… " she was right . At the end , she wrote at the panaldo 'Eat 2 tablets each time ' and gave a chaste kiss on his cheeks and left .
That lil girl cried when she got home but she was still satisfied with her efforts because his fever finally went down.
That night the girl texted him and they both chatted happily as a friend .
That girl , was me .

Died

Heyy
2 post 1 day , how good is that ? But no before you get carried away thinking that this is going to be happy post , I can tell you it's not.
These are all my feelings and if you have negative comments about it please keep it to yourself and leave this page thankyou.
Alright so there's a love war goin on now . This girl seems to be interested in him and looking at their conversation (well obviously I stalk) I can't help feeling a total shit. Really seeing this situation and I have to keep it to myself kills and I don't even know what to feel. Can I delete away my feelings please? I'm sorry I really tried getting my feelings away but I can't do it. I keep stalking and stalking and each time I see new things my heart sinks and I can't keep up with this .Fuck hell please help me because I'm really done. I know what I'm about to see will cause my heart to sink into disappointments and fear but I cant hold back my curiosity and continue stalking. Is this counted as suicide because I know its gonna hurt like shit yett I continue to do it and each time I die in that pain . I'm tired I'm done. I don't want to feel anything and tonight I really wish im gone . Who should I please?My parents or him ? What about me, can I please myself? Kept giving and all I get is shit. I understand life is about giving and expecting nothing in return but there's a limit to all my givings because one day (which is right now) I'll end up nothing to give. Gave all I could and I'm left with nothing. I'm nothing.

Indecisive

Hey guys
Feeling like shit today . Just took panaldo coz my tummy was aching badly and im feeling feverish. well put those aside , im just gonna blog because I really can't sleep and I have no one to talk to and my feelings is erupting like a volcano.
Don't understand what's wrong with me really, I can't let go and neither can I go back . I'm just stuck in the middle feeling all fucked and shit . I've always tell myself that a relationship wont kill me nor will I feel anything after a break up. Guess I've lied to myself. Its been only 2/3 days after the break up and right now I don't know how did I managed to make it through the entire day . Really the time gets slower and each hour feels like forever. Tried to make use of the slow time and study but I can't. I fucking can't. I can't foucs and my mind kept linger back to him..
Really don't know how to go on .. Today he texted me to eat well and I literally just broke down . Can't hold in this emotions and I can't tell myself not to love him. I kept telling myself "Zi don't love him , I shouldn't care all .." but guess what , not only did I cared , I ended up getting worried and the anxiety inside me rose. Don't know what I should do and I have no idea that this relationship was going to be so impactful. All the while I have prepared myself to not love too hard but I failed again . I got carried away in the thick affection of love and I got addicted, leaving me unable to live without it. Gosh xingzi get a hold of yourself.. What is going on really ..
"YOU CAN'T HAVE THE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO"
This quote really sums up my entire problem and that's to pick one…
Really wish I can have a solution for this before I honestly loose myself...
My life is a struggle..
Goodbye.

| The End |

Hey unicorns
yes i know , The End right ? Confirm is some issues regarding failures , sadness blah blah blah all but please note , i didn't want to blog this post either but i really have to give an answer , an explanation for The End .
Well some of you probably had know about this but yes me and Shawn we have broke up , 220314 is gone .
Please bear with me i have a lot of feelings going on and it has been a shitty ass time  . I know the first thing that came into your mind is ' Why your break ?' 'What happened ?' etc etc .
1)I was the one who bring up the break up
2)I had mentioned break up to him at least 10 times (i guess)
3)I fuck things up

Throughout these 111 days together , i must say it was the best 1 I've ever had. He was the first one to last at least , you read properly AT THE FUCKING LEAST last 1 month with me . BOOOM /mindblown/ yes i know im a terrible girlfriend to be with thats why all my relationship is a failure ...
Shawn is great really , endured all my nonsense and my retarded pre menstrual syndrome which include a)Moodswings b)temper c)cold shoulders d)pushing him away every time and e)mentioning break up

seriously tho i think i deserve an award for being the most unreasonable , annoying , cunt head bitch ass girlfriend in the world , thankyou 

I'm really confused right now . I choose to let go of him because I know if I want to do well for O' levels I have to give up one thing and thats - relationship . At the start of the year , i tried juggling Studies , Family and Relationship all 3 together but look 5F9s , 5 FUCKING F9S (im like genius overload or brain damage ?) Since last year I've put in effort to get my studies back on track and this time tasting not 1 but 5 F9s was a big failure to me . Not only did I fail upon my parents , but I had also fail upon myself . This shit hurts like crap do you feel me ...?

Not only was i facing studies pressure but also social pressure . No one in the family nor my friends approved of this relationship and i was stuck between 2 everyday . Constantly facing all negative remarks really drives me crazy but i didnt tell shawn about it , what can he do anyway ? Nothing. Nights where i get all shitty he was always there to accompany me and ask me whats wrong whats wrong , but do you know whats wrong ? Yes its our Relationship .

This sucks and i really hate this breaking up feeling . I know i am the one who bring up about the break up but deep inside do you think i want to let him go ? Everynight ill be alone on bed crying , trying to bring my voice down because i don't want to let my sis hear my crying and that. shit. hurts. There was one night where my crying had woke up my sis and she asked me 'Jie Jie (sis) why are you crying...?' idiot sister please don't see me cry , I wasn't supposed to potray an image of a weak sister to you… 

I don't want to feel this shit , i want to be alone and just be isolated and solitude . 

Things are getting out of hands and i dont even know how to decribe my feelings. He's gone and I'm still a shit . When we were together , he would come to my school gate everyday to fetch me but now im walking through the gates alone , strolling through the metal hard entrance . Security uncles ask me 'Today your friend not coming to fetch you?' And i just smile and walk off .No longer will i be the first to rush out of class and through the gates just to see him standing there under the hot sun , waiting for me without fail. Everything im doing reminds me of him , going home , waiting for bus , eating , shitting , studying , really all i could think of is him...

Staring at the books which im studying , it couldnt help but bring tears to me eyes. I have given him up for all these books and i know ill regret but...whats the point ? I dont have a choice , i really don't . Sure you can say 'OH you can choose to not let him go blah blah..' But standing at my liberty , would you not leave ? I doubt your answer.

I really wished that things weren't all that tough and life was smooth . Everyday felt like a never ending roller coaster and

Im getting sick of this ride . Should I continue this roller coaster even if I get sick and puke ? Or should I get off the ride which I will get to catch my breathe and not get sick ? I chose to leave . 

I know your impression of me image would have a dramatic change by now but I don't blame you . Thats the real me , im not nice , friendly or sweet . Instead a worthless bitch .

A worried bitch i am , even when we broke up but still texting , he said a bunch of weird things which really scares me . That boy is really unpredictable and i dont know what he might do next . A part of me wants to find him and make sure that he's fine but i know that if i do so then i might never be able to move on from him .What the hell am I suppose to feel ? Happy for finally being free and gain back my freedom ? Or depressed because the love of my life left because I pushed him away. I really don't know this feeling is overwhelming. I don't want to think about anything and just bring that 'fuck everything 'attitude back .I can't move on I can't, but neither can I stay . I am motionlessly moving towards destruction. Never knew being the one that ask for break up can feel so much pain .To love or not to love ? To stay and endure or leave to be free ? To be truthful to myself or numb it with lies ? I have no idea. Have you ever felt this way? Or perhaps I'm just fucked up. I don't want to implicate things and let my friends see me breaking down, I can hold this feeling I know ,I just don't know how long .How long before I finally turn away from lying to myself and love him. My friends like joven , tamilyn, gloria and especially yi wei (kitkat) texted me if I was alright. Especially yiwei because that girl knew I couldn't be fine and suggested we go out and all. But really what I want is to be alone and just cry. 

This is the side effect of relationship. 

 Sigh whatever fuck everything , i don't know whether this relationship was a blessing or a curse but whatever it is , i still cherish it because i don't think ill be with another ever again .

People say the one that gets ditched in the relationship feel the worst pain but you know what ? The one asking for the break up doesn't suffer any less… 

Heres some photo of us on my birthday where he took me to River Safari as a present .

starting off the day with him helpin me take a pic 

at River Safari's Panda Teahouse 

My baooooo 

him 

-

us 

:)

this was my favourite 

amd hahaha this was a sneak photo we took because takin photo was prohibited 

 well thats all for this post , this relationship . Just saw something on twitter and its pissing me off /middle finger/
Well i guess the biggest question you guys are going to ask me is...Do I still love him ?
If i say No i would be lying to you , but even till now I have been lying to myself.

love 

and with that 

sayonara ...

| s u m m e r t i m e s a d n e s s |

hey hey 

yeah its june already i know and to be honest , this blog tittle is a lil ironic isn't it ? Sinagpore is always summer all year round not like other countries where they experience 4 seasons hmph not fair ! :( Ohwell back to the post so yup its june which means im having ma holidays but guys trust me as a Secondary 4 student in Singapore your 'holiday' is basically normal school days with lesse school hour and more class break thats all . NO HOLIDAY /cries/ this life is so bad i know as compared to other less developed countries , we should be grateful for the education we received and the environment we live but sometimes the demands from the education system is absurb . seriously i can make an entire blogpost regarding that issue but i shall not because
1)Its gonna be boring and you guys won't spend your time reading about it 
2)NOBODY CARES
and the most important factor of all....
3)IM TOO LAZY 

A little update
Well jokes aside , this time I did damn badly for my MidYearExam like literally scored 33 for L1R4 which is like so bad omg . I scored a total of 5 F9s and 2B3s yeap no shame really no shame at all. Comparing to my results last year the difference is really damn big gosh how can I be so dumb . Well nevermind , i have give up on education anyway im just too tired to go on anymore i don't minf living poor and broke really im just so done .

11/06/14
Well today i decided to take a break and stay over at cousin's house , it wasnt crazily fun but it was really relaxing . Talked with cousin - Huiqing and it was good . So tired from this busy life and I really missed my laid back days when i was a kiddo , things were good and i had nothing to worry about .there was no dramas or stresses , and no judgmental bitches ,everything was cool . Ofcourse im grown up now,gotta face the world but im really not prepared . Sigh can I ever stop being childish ? Im afriad i will stay like this forever . Councillor Eillen said this attitude build up with me when i was a kid due to disappointments or whatsoever but really i don't care .
I just want to be me , a happy me.

hehe after shower , happy sheep is happy 

i like ma korean sheep towel cap hahah 

that gurl was sleepin on top

midnight selfie 

err...

rawrrrr >:O

ignore ma face please >///<

yes yes it my naked face please dont judge 

hehe my lil dolphin <3

jang 

You bette watchout , he's starring into your soul 

and ohyeah had my supper 

Went to Changi airport the next day to fetch her sis 

eww

Aston for dinner 

alright nothing more to blog le , shall blog real soon once i go out with friends hehe please continue reading don't fly off , ill be back with another post real soon
and with that
sayonara

Picture of the post : just that little girl 

i bet no one reads to the end and im probably talking to myself ,thats alright im fine like that .