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Hey there it's Luna
Well, this is a dark dairy of mine where I pour out my feelings into every word. It's a strange blog but it's probably the best way to convey my feelings without being hurt.
I hope you don't find them too weird and with that, I wish you a fun time reading...

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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

I can't love him

"I can't love him"
That , was his name in my contact when we broke up previously.
I've just came back from visiting cousin, and seeing her being well and having things under controlled really makes me very heartening
When I visited her , me and cousin Jocelyn (aka hui qing's sis ) talked. She knew about my struggles and talked to me about it .I broke down a lil and it made me feel better .
Thought about him , about us and I can't tell you how much it hurts . He wants to start his life again and doesn't want me back . I know , typing this really hurts me…
I know I know I know, the fucking truth is right in front of me but I choose to blind my eyes
I know what he wants and it ain't me , I know but I just can't let it go ...
It hurts but you know what ? I won't pester him anymore, I'll let him free just like how he gave me my freedom. It's fine , I'll be fine eventually..
But don't get me wrong, I will never ever stop loving him or get over him , simply because I can't and I don't want to . I'm sorry I know that this decision is bad and that it ain't worthy but
I don't even know what's worthy anymore
Worth ? Hahaha it doesn't exist . The painful truth that nothing is worth in this world and you gotta swallow it down . I want him to live a great life ,to fill his dreams and not be tied down to me because at least he is happier . Dont get me wrong , he ain't happy , but at the very least he ain't sad . His happier , so will I . He won't be happy because there's still 101 things making him sad in this world but without me - his happier .
Just like why he let me go so that I'll be "happy"
It's wrong, letting go isn't giving happiness, its a misconception ,a wrong mentality.
If letting go is happiness so is holding on pain? Nope ,you're wrong . Letting go is pain and holding on is happiness , trust me . Theres nothing happy letting go , its weak . Why would you want to let go of something you've held on for so long ? Coz you're a failure?  Don't be a failure really. 
Im a failure I know that but please don't end up being one. Guys please don't let go , hold on to your princess because at the end of the day you know - that she will always appear in your mind right before you head to bed . You know its her so why avoid it and lie to yourself, don't.

"What comes easy doesn't last , and what last won't come easy "

maybe its time to be true to yourself

Tuesday, July 29, 2014


Right now I'm on the bus all alone , crying. Please don't judge me crying in public because I really hate it too . I just can't control my tears anymore…
Today after ASP I received a piece of dreadful news - My cousin , huiqing , is going be be admitted to the hospital for 2 weeks due to low heartbeat .

And I'm really really really afraid of missing another loved one

Ever since young, me and huiqing was always together and she was my competitor . No matter what we will always be comparing each other because her mum always like comparing both of us . I resented the lifelong competition and I really really hated her for a period in my life simply because she was always my enemy .
Since this year I have distanced myself away from my cousin because I was too occupied with my life. Right now upon hearing such a tragic news , I can't help but feel afraid and lonely.
All the time whenever its my birthday she will always write me a birthday card with a note "you're my best cousin on earth" inside . This year she got me a starbuck drink and said " this perhaps would be my last present to you … "
I never put her words to my heart because I thought she was just over reacting and that everything will be fine , but now everything's crumbling.
Fear grip my heart and I'm afraid another person will leave me ...
Please don't leave , don't leave me alone

Sunday, July 27, 2014


He texted me today asking me if I was going out all , my faith lighted up and immediately faded when I realize all he need is someone to text to .
It hurt ,awfully. Realizing that I was merely a partner to talk for the sake of killing time . When time's up , I have to pack my shit and leave . Im so damn fucking tired , I'm Torn and shattered .I just want to get out of here and leave really, theres no worth staying I'm just done .I waited for his reply , staring at my phone for hours and letting time flow by , I really want to give up .
I really want to give up

At night he texted back , and later on he texted me again saying telling me the correct ingredients and saying I was dumb . It made me laugh and cry at the same time .I didn't even know that was possible 
Honestly, I was never happy the entire time , but people fall for my smiles . Around 1 am my pain hit me and many people came and 'talk' to me asking me if I'm alright and if i needed someone to talk to . What a fucking dumb question ...
Humans are born filled with curiosity in their hearts , and i know thats how they feel asking me those fucking questions . Please don't be curious really , I don't need someone to be curious about me , just stop it . Please care because thats all i truly need right now , a caring heart .
Perhaps God was playing a prank on me , Shawn texted me the same things...
It was fucking with me mentally and I can't feel it anymore . I asked him if he was genuinely concerned or simply just curious...He said "Concerned" .
Its funny how life always end up in a twist. Good things turn back and back things turn good . We talked , just for short,and he told me his problems and that 
'He want to be alone and start his life afresh'
Blunt words cut me like a razor sharp knife , his texts constantly echoed through my mind and it is killing me.
Shawn please spare me from this misery, Im reaching my breaking point ...
He can always have me whenever he want but I can never have him ,ever .

Tonight the wolf is howling to the moon ,again..

Saturday, July 26, 2014


Today Shawn texted me , told me his in difficulty and that he needed my help .
I cried while texting and everything hurt . Told him I'll be there whenever he needed someone and he thank me .After a while we chat a little and it hurt really . Pain in the chest that I miss him so much and seeing him in such a state makes me want to love and care for him more .
I'm a friend, I'm a friend. I'm just a friend.
When he got his stuff I told him I'm not worthy anymore and he reacted with anger telling me not to annoy him .
Idiot , I didn't want to annoy you any further thats why I don't want to bother you…
He can always find me when he needed someone, but I have no one left to find .
We continue chatting until theres nothing to reply no more . He said my life is better because at least I have a school. But really whats the point of going to school when all I do is cry and think of him in lesson ? I can't focus and I'm stuck. This life hurt and I'm basically a complete failure…
I have finish all my worth to him , I shall leave…

Friday, July 25, 2014

Stay high

Timecheck its 3:47
Time is passing so slowly and my mood is getting shittier and shittier
I don't know what i want to , just blogging and pouring out my feelings since i have no one to talk to . Alone and depressed this 2 things goes ugly together . Ugly with a beauty in it .
i don't know whats going on in my brain , guess I'm going crazy ? Haha all the better i don't want to be in a state where my mind is cleared , really its scary when im cleared because all the more i will think of the pain .
Please listen to the song - Stay high by Tove lo , because it speaks everything for me .
"You're gone and i gotta stay high , all the time to keep you off my mind.
High all the time to keep you off my mind .
Spend my days locked in the haze , trying to forget you babe , I fall back down.
Gotta Stay high all my life to forget I'm missing you ."
I'm tired , i want to give up . There's nothing left yet it still has the power to kill me , i don't know how.
Nothing kills me . 
Loosing appetite and mentally broken i don't know how do i continue . Nobody cares and nobody stays , its a thing I've always told myself but why did i forget ? Caught up with love that swirl me like a tidal wave , he made me feel special , beautiful and worthy. And when he left i fell back to the ground ,leaving me with nothing but emptiness. I hate him , i do. But the more i hate him the more i fall back in love to him . I shouldn't be the one thats hurt ,really im so tired .
My head whispering : Worthless little bitch , and my mind shouting to me You deserved it . I do , i do .Laughing at my own tragedy and blaming myself as if this entire life was nothing but a joke .
Stay high xx

Does sadness have an end ?

This sadness within me is taking over me and I can't control it anymore. Cried my tears away and the aching pain never leaves . Really need his shoulder to cry on now and I know that will never happen . Really want to hug him and keep him for good but I can't be selfish when he doesn't even want me
Am I worth ? I'm not .
I'm so tired I don't know when can this pain ever be gone . Sick of crying and hurting myself but theres nothing I can ever do . I give up , I want this life to be over so I can be happy once again . I don't want to live in misery and pain anymore, everydays is dreadful as ever and I can't keep this up . I'm reaching my breaking point and I'm snapping any moment.
Jesus , Im sorry I have failed you , I'm tired of being human .

Thursday, July 24, 2014

A Living dead

Its a friday , a really planless and lonely friday . Its been so long since I have been this lonely on a friday , other days at least I still have my friends with me but today , I'm all alone .
Went back my house which is all quite and souless . I don't even know what I want to do really, just gonna hit my bed and cry I guess ?
I want to sleep but the slumber doesn't fall on me , neither do I want to be awake facing  this painful world . Everyone are looking forward to fridays and weekends while I'm here living like a dead.
The thought of me having a long journey ahead and I have to go through it alone , is scary .
I'm afraid of being alone , and I don't even know when had that fear developed. Don't know what I want to do next and what do I want in life.
Im back to the old xingzi , who have nothing to look forward to in life , just living like a dead .
TGIF ? No, TGIA - Thank God Im Alive

Day by day

Trying to forget him day by day seems impossible because my mind kept lurking back to him. Loosing so much interest in school because everyday is the same and I just don't have anything to look forward to. I can't help but grab on that lil glimpse of hope that one day maybe , just maybe , he will be standing right there at his usual spot with his A jays plugged in ,and be there waiting for me... I know its impossible but let me lie foolishly to myself okay?
Because its painful and I have to bear with it . I really want him back and I really wish we could be just like before and be happy again but no , I can't. I can't be selfish and continue hurting him anymore because the pain I had give him before had destroyed him completely. Im tired , I'm tired of lying but what else can I do ? I want to love him but I don't want to hurt him . I'm just a friend really , a friend. This shit hurts me everyday and I have no idea when will all these pain ever be over . Every night is the same hope , same prayer , and I tell myself everything is in God's hand . If it meant to be it will be…
Days get darker and oddly it makes me feel safer . I like this darkness, it let's me hide my pain and be dark . And I realised everytime its dark he'll feel down and sad for his own problems. I want to be there and talk to him and shower him with care but I told myself not to , he doesn't need me , he have others..
May the light never shine on me again and let me sleep peacefully in my darkness

Tuesday, July 22, 2014


22 July 2014
Tonight shawn ask me to remove his account. I refused and told him I want him , I should never have said that… never .The taste of pain was swirling in my tongue crushing me into every pieces left possible to decompose . Heart sank and faith stop glowing, I could literally see myself loosing him , loosing us.
We quarreled and he told me that he will never come back, that he had enough and does not want to taste pain anymore. And I wept shedding tears of pleading with a silent prayer in my head whispering to me that I everything will be fine, that things will be fine , that we will be fine. I'm naive.
I have already lost it and I can never ever get it back, ever. I ignored the words that cut and continue believing that all will be well. He called and beg , telling me to let him go ,to move on and forget him.
But you know what ? He kept saying we'll be friends or nothing and I kept pushing a little, hoping a miracle . I don't care if its a 1 day or even 1 hr relationship, I just want him .He quarreled and with a slip of his tongue he called me "Bi.. " I lost because that's what I want , what I am. His babe . He apologize and asked me one last time "To be friends or nothing " and I said
"Friends , because I always end up listening to you.. " and hung up .
Heart ran , blood flew , the cut pleading a little deeper will end the pleasure but no , it doesn't take away the misery.
I thought : everytime he ask for a patch I wull always end up giving in to him , whatever he says I will follow. Mine fall on deafened ears.
Regrets and mistakes were the memories made and I tell myself I can't ever ever forget him .
He told me to get over him and that his sure and he can bet , I'll be able to do it .
I can bet I'll never forget you . Why ?
Because I remember and don't forget, because I have let him in and all the broken walls will always remind me of him. Because I can't be like him and move on easily . I can't. I ain't him.
We talked on the phone afterwards with the identity as a friend, a friend. I'm sorry no mater what I can't see him as a friend I really can't.
Today in school I cried again, during History I cried ,during Physics I cried ,even reccess I cried to Rochelle who don't even know how to react . But you know what ? Nobody realized I cried because I kept it silently…
It was only during our last period English, my teacher was absent and there I broke down in front of everyone. The class crowd over a lil girl crying on her desk , asking her what happened and showering concern. Hidayah hug me and asked :"Shawn ah ..?" and I broke down and cry harder ... The wise people Germaine and Israel came to me and comfort me I know they meant well but really…
The only person I want to talk about me and shawn's breakup , is Shawn himself .
I'm alone despite the large crowd tht hover around me , because I can't tell if people are genuinely concerned of me or are they just curious…
When the days over I texted him Jiayou for O level listening compre but no replies . when everything's over I walk out the gates with Jingyi who passed me a letter she handwritten to cheer me up
When I walk out the gates I endured my tears , tell myself don't think don't feel and hold my breathe a while but I couldn't hold back .
I was afraid that I couldn't make it home as everything I see kept reminding me of him . The bus stop , the bus ride everything. During the bus ride I cried again and when I finally reach the elevator I told myself to suck it in and I can let it all out when I'm finally home . when I got back I cried , in pain . The pain never left and they were taking over me . It hurt and I lost my self concious. Cousin hui qing saw me crying and she stood there looking at me while I cry , we didn't utter a word but the pain could be felt . She broke down too saying that my emotions had affected her and she tell me her problems . She gave me advice too but it really wasn't what I need , I just needed him .
Days get old and I'm loosing myself every second . These tears don't listen to me anymore and they flow together with the pain . I can't control myself but I don't want to be a burden to my family or friends. Because thats what I feel and I can't not think of it that way .
This solitudinal pain hurts just like how wolves howl to the moon , I'm just a wild wolf howling to my own pain .

Every 22nd is our day 

Friday, July 18, 2014


Today let me share with you a story…
13 July 18
Today a lilttle girl broke down during English lessons .The teacher was talking to them about the essay "Wolf" and all the memories hit her like a tidal waves . Israel was sitting on her right and at first he thought she was sleeping so he nudge her to wake up , to only realize that she was actually crying . Lessons was still on and this girl was there , sitting with her head down and tears dripping down her face. Nobody knew she was crying because she kept her crying to a faint silence and the only one to realize was israel. He knew that she didn't want to let people know so he pass her a notebook with a tissue hid inside . And when the bell rang , she stood up ,thank him and went happily to her friends joining them for reccess. Nobody knew that a few minutes ago , she the happy girl , was crying because she remembered the happy times she had with the man of her life and she couldn't help but hate herself for pushing him away…
The dreaded school finally ended
She walk out of school with tears in her eyes , staring at the gates that was filled with memories . She took the same bus , sit at their usual spot and hold her tears. When she reached , she went to the pharmacy and bought panaldol pills . She made her way up to His house and called him a few times staying outside the doors for 15 mins. She prepared the worst and went into his house ,when she reach his room door she close her eyes and count to 10 , creaking the door knob and pushing the door a lil… and saw him lying there with an adorable and ever so familiar face sleeping peacefully. She smile at that sight and it was a sight she would never forget . She touch him and realize how hot he was , burning with fever . Using a damp towel wrapped with ice , she slowly iced him slowly and gently just like how he did to her before :')
She did that for the next 2 hours and once in a while tears will fall from her eyes as the memories run through her mind . A few time she tought "Maybe he's awake just that he don't want to wake up to face her… " she was right . At the end , she wrote at the panaldo 'Eat 2 tablets each time ' and gave a chaste kiss on his cheeks and left .
That lil girl cried when she got home but she was still satisfied with her efforts because his fever finally went down.
That night the girl texted him and they both chatted happily as a friend .
That girl , was me .

Saturday, July 12, 2014


2 post 1 day , how good is that ? But no before you get carried away thinking that this is going to be happy post , I can tell you it's not.
These are all my feelings and if you have negative comments about it please keep it to yourself and leave this page thankyou.
Alright so there's a love war goin on now . This girl seems to be interested in him and looking at their conversation (well obviously I stalk) I can't help feeling a total shit. Really seeing this situation and I have to keep it to myself kills and I don't even know what to feel. Can I delete away my feelings please? I'm sorry I really tried getting my feelings away but I can't do it. I keep stalking and stalking and each time I see new things my heart sinks and I can't keep up with this .Fuck hell please help me because I'm really done. I know what I'm about to see will cause my heart to sink into disappointments and fear but I cant hold back my curiosity and continue stalking. Is this counted as suicide because I know its gonna hurt like shit yett I continue to do it and each time I die in that pain . I'm tired I'm done. I don't want to feel anything and tonight I really wish im gone . Who should I please?My parents or him ? What about me, can I please myself? Kept giving and all I get is shit. I understand life is about giving and expecting nothing in return but there's a limit to all my givings because one day (which is right now) I'll end up nothing to give. Gave all I could and I'm left with nothing. I'm nothing.


Hey guys
Feeling like shit today . Just took panaldo coz my tummy was aching badly and im feeling feverish. well put those aside , im just gonna blog because I really can't sleep and I have no one to talk to and my feelings is erupting like a volcano.
Don't understand what's wrong with me really, I can't let go and neither can I go back . I'm just stuck in the middle feeling all fucked and shit . I've always tell myself that a relationship wont kill me nor will I feel anything after a break up. Guess I've lied to myself. Its been only 2/3 days after the break up and right now I don't know how did I managed to make it through the entire day . Really the time gets slower and each hour feels like forever. Tried to make use of the slow time and study but I can't. I fucking can't. I can't foucs and my mind kept linger back to him..
Really don't know how to go on .. Today he texted me to eat well and I literally just broke down . Can't hold in this emotions and I can't tell myself not to love him. I kept telling myself "Zi don't love him , I shouldn't care all .." but guess what , not only did I cared , I ended up getting worried and the anxiety inside me rose. Don't know what I should do and I have no idea that this relationship was going to be so impactful. All the while I have prepared myself to not love too hard but I failed again . I got carried away in the thick affection of love and I got addicted, leaving me unable to live without it. Gosh xingzi get a hold of yourself.. What is going on really ..
This quote really sums up my entire problem and that's to pick one…
Really wish I can have a solution for this before I honestly loose myself...
My life is a struggle..

Friday, July 11, 2014

| The End |

Hey unicorns
yes i know , The End right ? Confirm is some issues regarding failures , sadness blah blah blah all but please note , i didn't want to blog this post either but i really have to give an answer , an explanation for The End .
Well some of you probably had know about this but yes me and Shawn we have broke up , 220314 is gone .
Please bear with me i have a lot of feelings going on and it has been a shitty ass time  . I know the first thing that came into your mind is ' Why your break ?' 'What happened ?' etc etc .
1)I was the one who bring up the break up
2)I had mentioned break up to him at least 10 times (i guess)
3)I fuck things up

Throughout these 111 days together , i must say it was the best 1 I've ever had. He was the first one to last at least , you read properly AT THE FUCKING LEAST last 1 month with me . BOOOM /mindblown/ yes i know im a terrible girlfriend to be with thats why all my relationship is a failure ...
Shawn is great really , endured all my nonsense and my retarded pre menstrual syndrome which include a)Moodswings b)temper c)cold shoulders d)pushing him away every time and e)mentioning break up

seriously tho i think i deserve an award for being the most unreasonable , annoying , cunt head bitch ass girlfriend in the world , thankyou 

I'm really confused right now . I choose to let go of him because I know if I want to do well for O' levels I have to give up one thing and thats - relationship . At the start of the year , i tried juggling Studies , Family and Relationship all 3 together but look 5F9s , 5 FUCKING F9S (im like genius overload or brain damage ?) Since last year I've put in effort to get my studies back on track and this time tasting not 1 but 5 F9s was a big failure to me . Not only did I fail upon my parents , but I had also fail upon myself . This shit hurts like crap do you feel me ...?
Not only was i facing studies pressure but also social pressure . No one in the family nor my friends approved of this relationship and i was stuck between 2 everyday . Constantly facing all negative remarks really drives me crazy but i didnt tell shawn about it , what can he do anyway ? Nothing. Nights where i get all shitty he was always there to accompany me and ask me whats wrong whats wrong , but do you know whats wrong ? Yes its our Relationship .
This sucks and i really hate this breaking up feeling . I know i am the one who bring up about the break up but deep inside do you think i want to let him go ? Everynight ill be alone on bed crying , trying to bring my voice down because i don't want to let my sis hear my crying and that. shit. hurts. There was one night where my crying had woke up my sis and she asked me 'Jie Jie (sis) why are you crying...?' idiot sister please don't see me cry , I wasn't supposed to potray an image of a weak sister to you… 
I don't want to feel this shit , i want to be alone and just be isolated and solitude . 

Things are getting out of hands and i dont even know how to decribe my feelings. He's gone and I'm still a shit . When we were together , he would come to my school gate everyday to fetch me but now im walking through the gates alone , strolling through the metal hard entrance . Security uncles ask me 'Today your friend not coming to fetch you?' And i just smile and walk off .No longer will i be the first to rush out of class and through the gates just to see him standing there under the hot sun , waiting for me without fail. Everything im doing reminds me of him , going home , waiting for bus , eating , shitting , studying , really all i could think of is him...
Staring at the books which im studying , it couldnt help but bring tears to me eyes. I have given him up for all these books and i know ill regret but...whats the point ? I dont have a choice , i really don't . Sure you can say 'OH you can choose to not let him go blah blah..' But standing at my liberty , would you not leave ? I doubt your answer.
I really wished that things weren't all that tough and life was smooth . Everyday felt like a never ending roller coaster and
Im getting sick of this ride . Should I continue this roller coaster even if I get sick and puke ? Or should I get off the ride which I will get to catch my breathe and not get sick ? I chose to leave . 
I know your impression of me image would have a dramatic change by now but I don't blame you . Thats the real me , im not nice , friendly or sweet . Instead a worthless bitch .
A worried bitch i am , even when we broke up but still texting , he said a bunch of weird things which really scares me . That boy is really unpredictable and i dont know what he might do next . A part of me wants to find him and make sure that he's fine but i know that if i do so then i might never be able to move on from him .What the hell am I suppose to feel ? Happy for finally being free and gain back my freedom ? Or depressed because the love of my life left because I pushed him away. I really don't know this feeling is overwhelming. I don't want to think about anything and just bring that 'fuck everything 'attitude back .I can't move on I can't, but neither can I stay . I am motionlessly moving towards destruction. Never knew being the one that ask for break up can feel so much pain .To love or not to love ? To stay and endure or leave to be free ? To be truthful to myself or numb it with lies ? I have no idea. Have you ever felt this way? Or perhaps I'm just fucked up. I don't want to implicate things and let my friends see me breaking down, I can hold this feeling I know ,I just don't know how long .How long before I finally turn away from lying to myself and love him. My friends like joven , tamilyn, gloria and especially yi wei (kitkat) texted me if I was alright. Especially yiwei because that girl knew I couldn't be fine and suggested we go out and all. But really what I want is to be alone and just cry. 
This is the side effect of relationship. 
 Sigh whatever fuck everything , i don't know whether this relationship was a blessing or a curse but whatever it is , i still cherish it because i don't think ill be with another ever again .
People say the one that gets ditched in the relationship feel the worst pain but you know what ? The one asking for the break up doesn't suffer any less… 
Heres some photo of us on my birthday where he took me to River Safari as a present .
starting off the day with him helpin me take a pic 

at River Safari's Panda Teahouse 

My baooooo 





this was my favourite 

amd hahaha this was a sneak photo we took because takin photo was prohibited 
 well thats all for this post , this relationship . Just saw something on twitter and its pissing me off /middle finger/
Well i guess the biggest question you guys are going to ask me is...Do I still love him ?
If i say No i would be lying to you , but even till now I have been lying to myself.
and with that 
sayonara ...