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Hey there it's Luna
Well, this is a dark dairy of mine where I pour out my feelings into every word. It's a strange blog but it's probably the best way to convey my feelings without being hurt.
I hope you don't find them too weird and with that, I wish you a fun time reading...


Instagram @wildestwolf
Twitter @wildest_wolf
Snapchat @wildest_wolf

Saturday, December 5, 2015

T H E F O O L

The fool, who still chased for you.
Who thought that absence were power,
Who fucking loved you.

The fool, who still stayed.
Who cared when no one did,
Who prayed for your safe.

The fool, who still thought we were friends.
Who provided you directions,
Who fucking held your hands.


The fool, who thought her feelings mattered.
Who explained the pain that was prolonged in her heart,
Who was brushed off simply like dust from our past.

Yeah, when I was hurled online.
It was my fault for following.

When I hurled her online.
It was my fault for being childish.

Little did you realised that all this time, the fool was me who was never once sheltered for being foolish.

Wildest Wolf

Friday, December 4, 2015

Okay.

I swear to myself, I'll be fine.

Days been slowing down lately,
I await for my dear Moon calling.
Behind the clouds or the heavy rain pours,
With a slow gentle love song drowning my sore.

Rolled a couple blunts and make it lit,
Crush a couple tears and make me bleed.
This pain that i feel everyday,
I'll make you taste in every agonising way.

A dying body,
A faded heart.
You killed me in one day,
My soul is now apart.

Truth is- I never wanted you to go.
Or ever wanted you to leave.
But today I'm glad I did,
Because your love always made me bleed.

The Irony of life always sets me apart.
To claim that you love me but stabbed right in my heart.
Ugly truths with a pretty face,
Was cheated by Faith while I was in your Embrace.

This mixture of anger and hurt,
I can't fucking comprehend.
But its alright, you won't bother,
With another on your bed.

Bed partners are easily replaced,
But real partners don't.
Guess I saw where I stand,
Just another in your woe.

I'm just another girl, 
Who showed you her flaws.
Who believed in fairytales,
And love behind closed doors.

I'm not okay,
In fact I never was.
But don't worry thats alright,
I'm not okay but I'll be fine.

Wildest Wolf

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

The biggest culprit.

I heard the words drifting to my ears, I denied to my heart for the lies I was feeding to.
"No don't listen Luna, Its gonna hurt."
The words don't often lie and the truth is always the main course in Hell kitchen.
"Don't look please, someone, anyone, tell me this isn't true."
...Wake me up from this dead dream.

Pain was long faded in my ghoul as the evil took over me. This time however, I met Satan himself.

The ripping sound of a tearing heart is slowly, slowly breaking up inside me. I felt it - Hard.
This menacing pain wouldn't go, it kept draining my soul away and soon taking over me.

"I really don't need to feel this pain, please I want to go."

He reached out his hands to me, pulling me to his embrace.
"Here my little one, you have suffered enough. I'll bring you to the other side. A place where feelings were not born and pain were never felt."

As I dragged my foot to the other world, I kept my conscious clear and my took a last breathe.
"This would be the last for me, put everything down and leave."
I let go of the pain that I was holding on for so long and looked at my bloody hands.
All this time I have been trying to give up yet I was still carrying all the memories in my hand around me. What was I thinking?

Why do you have to do this to me? Why am I feeling this pain? Whose fault is it, yours or mine?
All these questions left unanswered, untold.

Despite knowing the fact everything was going to hurt, I continued being exposed to the things that kill me and suffered the pain again and again. why am I so foolish?
I can't help but want to find out the truth, I can't help but shed the bit of love that was always meant for you, Stop it Luna - Stop.

They say "Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back" I was constantly satisfied with the tormented feeling, I can't help but want to run another slice to my heart to feel the bleed.
It hurts so fucking bad, but I love it.

I left, to a dark place i feed my soul to. Roaming in the dark with no soul, realised I am surrounded by heartless ghouls. The same pain, same feeling, everyone knew.

Leaving a soft trail of blood behind before it finally fades into dust.
You were the biggest culprit who tore me apart.

Wildest Wolf


Saturday, November 28, 2015

The only one.

1
Right from the start, she knew I was different.
In her cradle, I was blessed in Endless affection.
With pain in her heart she fought for my survival,
The only person whose love could be so vital.

3
In winter she brought me bitter and loneliness,
Nothing but mirrors in my memory and her sleeping silhouette.
Groomed my imagination with never existing friends,
Gave me a life that I probably resent.

5
Filling me with colours and happiness again,
With daddy we went to a home place.
And even I could remember every event,
Bring me back to the days in Japan.

7
The next chapter in life began,
You walked me down every steps.
These endless nights where I spent with you,
Never wished to end it at two.

9
My lil sis entered my life.

13
Hell begin, where should I start?
This relationship have driven us apart.
All my regrets for my foolish acts,
Craziness in life have such an irony on hand.



Stay, I need you,
9 years of us is not enough.
Don't leave me please,
Adding your love to my wish list.

Never meant to make you cry,
Hated myself for coming to your life.
Tell me this isn't happening,
Why is life being so fucking mean.

17
Hey, how are you?
I couldn't even remember when we last had dinner.
My presence is slowly fading,
Missing you is more than just a feeling.

"Come home, Where are you?"
Are my favourite texts.
A reminder that i still matter,
Even when theres a Abuser.

I miss you dearly,
As I stared out the frosted windows.
In a cold room with no love,
Running stupid questions of my birth.

Mummy,

I know that I'm probably not the best daughter in the world. I understand that Ive been drifting from this family and we behave worse than strangers do in the streets. Words can't describe how much I missed you guys in my life. The sorrow, the cries and the aches - I tell myself it'll be over soon but I know, it never will. I know you check me up daily to ensure my safety, but truly I just wish to end everything now. This complicated life I've been living is a torturous game to the mind. I'm so done. Its your birthday today and I've asked your for a simple dinner, sadly you reject me away. Why?
This family feels like an empty shell, and I can't help but run away from this place.

I don't want to see you happy with sis and daddy, I don't want to see that you're fine without me. Come back, Im here. Still.

Bring me back the nine years we had, I promise I'll make it better.

My days are over, To you I'm gone with the wind.
Happy Birthday Mother,
I missed you.


Wildest Wolf





Monday, November 16, 2015

Hush

Hush. Don't speak.
This post is gonna make me bleed.

This pain on my aching beat,
Running blood on my top ribs.

Hush. Settle down.
Don't worry about life- just calm down.

Even the lost found light in the dull,
Wouldn't you live life without a dwell?

Hush. Don't cry.
This feeling that I get I don't know why.

This misery lingering over my soul.
A tormented life lurking around in the cold.

Hush. Take a shot.
Let liquor bring you away from your thoughts

The burning Crimson will befall,
This pain you felt will be dissolve.

Hush. Stay happy.
Cut a line and put stitches over me.

This plastic happiness we were told to portray.
Losing faith in humanity once again.

Hush. I love you.
What a common lie coming from you.

Why are we killing each other
Are you a lover or a serial killer

Hush. The moon.
Alone in the dark, faded in the sky.

Seek for the moon when you lost your sight.
I'll bring you home with all my light.
-Hush

Wildest Wolf

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Hell

I pushed my happiness aside, 
Trading for the dream I was chasing for.
I know I'm about to regret,
But isn't this what life is for?

They told you to be happy , 
They warned me to be kind.
Yet they were brutal to me,
And I was forced to say "I'm fine"

No gods , nor humans ,
Weigh higher than the rest.
No scale of humanity,
To measure our death.

Born to die, came to hurt.
Yet no one taught us- the meaning of love.

Hurt is the mental torture,
Pain is the physical distress.
I would go distance for you, 
But did you just want me undress?

Oh lord , fuck it.
Who needs faith.
I'll walk to hell,
With your cross engraved.

Sexual desires drive human insane, Sexual disease kills human brain.
Would you fuck tonight,
Or make love in a fight.

Crazily fighting to be happy.
Sex , love , and lots of money.
But if you truly learn the meaning of life, 
This three factor is sinfully designed.
-humanity irony 

Monday, October 12, 2015

Madness

Like a wind , that kiss upon my cheeks.
Or the hovering shadow that follow in the mist.
Strange thing occurs in the corner of life.
Lingering in my head , contemplating to find.

Like a whirling pool , swoop up in my head.
Or the mistakes that I frown on fate.
These incidents happen not only for a reason.
But a sign that says "you're indecent"

Done , crushed , buried alive.
Are the three simple words I can best describe.
Of how my days passed like a wind.
Before I finally give up- being me.

Cold hard truths are painful to cry.
Burning skins seem to wrap just fine.
A solitude wolf running in the dark.
Is way better then always getting fucked.

Searching for my ghoul in the pathetic flame.
Guided by satan for the sinner's pace.

I'm not always sad , as I'm a no man tear.
But when it hits me , I'll probably fear.
These words that I just can't puzzle into pieces.
Are the perfect answer to my inevitable madness.
-Madness

Wildest Wolf

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Part of the plan

Dark clouds hovering over me
I knew this day would come
I pictured everything in the scene
And wait for it become

I beg the lord to make it fast
I pray satan would make me last
To hold my breathe as pain passed 
Let the words break the crust

It doesn't matter how the old ones say
Or the lover hate if one may
Keep it up and stay insane
For christ in lord should be my vane

The cries should not be heard
This pain is not deserved
If you want to succed you gotta taste the blood
And bow to Satan while rotting to rut 

This lonely road that I shall take
Is blinded by a thousand mistake

For regrets is time I wouldn't spend
Only sins that I fail to repent 

-silent

Wildest Wolf





Friday, October 2, 2015

Level

Hey loves

Lately I've been feeling very compromised as a teenager. I looked around and started realising that I've been slowly lowering myself in order to satisfy others.

I've been looking at others faces , their comments - and held it dearly to my heart. I can't lie that feelings hurt and it was to a point that is unbearable for an individual to handle. 

I started questioning myself in the break of dawn and finally I concluded 

I do not need to live for the sake of others and tolerate their bullshits everyday 

Hence to all you fellow victims out there: 

Fuck them. 
We don't need no bitches in our lives.

As humans we were born to live a life,
A life that's full of good and kind.
But the serpent sin slowly awaits,
To torment a soul till an awful state.

We were pushed like objects with no man feelings,
Maybe cries that only a soul could fill in.
This mental pain is a serial killers wife,
To plunge one into the judgemental knive.

Who said that we were born to hurt ?
Who allowed my soul to crumble in words.

This pain has changed a soul to hate,
This man has learned to fuck with fate.

Put all your misery days to end, 
We stand against the tormented pain.
As humans we were born to live a life,
To live and fight while our faith arise.

-stand

Wildest Wolf

Thursday, September 17, 2015

what...

Roaming around in the heart of my world,
I got lost with the berries i found.
With greed filling every bit of my mind.
Endless sins dripping on the ground.

Soulless humans walking,
Crazy lovers hurting.
Lonely souls passing,
Killers are seeking.

I saw a reflection of mine,
I stared and it wasn't from my soul.
It was just another girl,
With a heavy cloud hovering her ghoul.

She was night black,
I am pure white.
She was mute,
Yet I was a backbite.

We talked, next to each other.
As if the universe stopped.
With writings that became spoken words,
 And her singing a sad song.

I saw her cuts,
Scars deep in her wrist.
I showed her my clean arms and said,
"There's no need to be brutal with the fist"

These pain will leave,
This life will change.
I have walked from the dark,
You will put down your blades.

She smiled and turn, leaving a sad tear behind.
I saw her leaving with a strange uneasy mind.
I want to pull her back, and guide her back to light.
But I finally realise , its time for her to find.

Roaming around in the heart of my world,
I got lost with the berries i found.
With greed filling every bit of my mind.
Endless sins dripping on the ground.

I walked back with a grip on the heart,
And I found an answer to every single part.
To walked towards the light and find my path,
She was a ghost who had walked past my heart.

-Crazy Incident.

Wildest Wolf

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Helliday

Helliday

The play of words for both Holiday and Hell to be mixed together.

Commonly used for describing a Holiday period that has given an individual a whole ride of Hell.

-Source relied from the limited knowledge in Luna's sick-retarded brain


Alright lets go...
Exam has ended and it bought a triumph of victory into my mind. Fuck yes I'm going to finally take a nice long ass break and be away from bullshits- Not.

Guess what ? Satan Taekwando have decided to step into my life
FUCK

OHWELL CAN'T BE HELPED. Besides my schedule for September is crazy like literally I think need to head down to the nearest 7-11 and grab 5 cartons of Redbull. Aint kidding.

Will be travelling a lot this month with Malaysia followed by Batam and ending with Australia Fuck yes. But as much as I'm excited, the shiftiness that I have experienced lately is hell.

Problems after Problems just start piling up as if rubbish is not the only pollution on earth.
The stress and anxiety inside me feels as if I'm struggling for exam wait.. DIDNT MY PAPERS JUST ENDED?! Oh lord.

I . DECLARE . I . NEED . AND . WANT . A . BREAK .

PLAN:
This recipe will teach you human beings how to take a fucking break with only simple ingredients that you already most probably have within your reach, and clear instructions that even an idiot can understand.

Ingredients:
None.

Instructions:
Get the fuck off planet Earth.




.....FEEL ME?

Life has been so crazy and even if you want a break, it is literally impossible because our world is just a chaotic human living adaptable dying but still orbiting planet. 

This is just a silly, indirect, informal, disrespectful blogpost because Im scandalous like that /Haha/

With that thanks for reading this crap
love you,

Wildest Wolf

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Dear future self,

Dear future self,

10 years down the road, I wish this little blog will be happier...

I wish you will come back and look at the crazy things that had happened in your life, which has made you successful today (maybe)

I wish that you were able to drift soundly to sleep without occurring nightmares in your head.

I wish the people that are with you now are the ones who said they will stand by you, 10 years ago.

I wish that you would forget every single mistake you made in life and stop blaming yourself.

I wish that no matter how much you regret, you can only continue to move forward in life and let it go.

I wish you would remember that mistake is inevitable but learning from it is exceptional.

I wish your eyes are no longer looking at the ugly corners of this world.

I wish that your inner demons left you.

I wish that people will truly understand that even if your blog is sad, you aren't necessary unhappy with yourself but simply the truth of being 2 soul in a vessel

Sometimes people come up to me, or even email me about how sad my blogpost are and how they wished they can be here for me ..

But honestly,

I didn't need anyone.

The very reason why I started blogging was because I am afraid of voicing out my thoughts.
I portray a happy self in this world but deep down I am a complete different soul.
Don't get me wrong though, Its fine. I just detest showing my vulnerable self to others thats all.
When people offer me to open up to them, I simply reject because I am afraid that they will judge me on my thoughts.
To me the best medication for my escape is writing and this little place here is my secret hideout.

Dear future self,

I wish that you are a truly happy person.

Wildest Wolf

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Broke down

Day 6 of holding up my tears.

Heard a sad song , and my mind went blank. 

"早知道是这样 像梦一场 
我又何必把泪都锁在自己的眼眶"

-If only I knew that we would end up this way ; just like a dream.
I would not have lock my tears in my eyes- 

Trembling hearts and burning tears.
Are far worse than the demons I fear.

Wildest wolf 

Emblem

"I love you"

"I'll never hurt you"

"I'll never leave you"

"I'm fine..."

Silly lies that falls from our tongue,
just like flowers dying season.
To commit such sins,
because you couldn't come out with a reason.

I'm tired, tormented, soul burning to ash.
Not a single glimpse of life, just hoping for death.

Its not my fault that I'm not happy,
just happiness isn't knocking my door.
Putting on my best self,
slowly awaiting for devil's call.

So darling tell me
what are the dearest thing in your life?
And I will crush them to bones
just to see you cry.

I'm sorry Lucius,
that ain't happening tonight.
Nor the coming dawns,
because I simply can't live through daylight.

Is that the sun?
Or just another burning flame.
How long have I not seen hope,
before I take over the blame.

Now I have a question for you,
how does it feel?
To read a sinner's life,
because it ain't happening to you.

I'm tired of writing,
I'm sick of this mess.
It's like the words crying harder,
In a sinner's dent.

Why does happiness end?
As if it was a chapter.
I would burn this book now,
and stay here forever.

Soon this book you're reading will end,
I can't keep up.
I don't want to hurt myself,
or even corrupt.

Yet another day has passed,
thank God for the livings.
But for a little girl,
its just another heavy breathing.

Goodbye Lucius,
goodnight clouds.
Sweet dreams little one,
The Wolf is on her prowl.


Wildest wolf.


Monday, August 10, 2015

Fighter

Tired is a sinner's game
To repent every mistake in life she made.

There was once a great friend of mine, came and told me how she read my blog post and told me words that caught me in a mind full of doubts.

"I can see from your eyes that you're not alright. But you push yourself and pretend that you arent with all the smiles and laughter from your face" 
"You don't have to stay so strong just let it out, you'll feel better.."

Strong ..? I'm strong ?

Well I tried to be one but I sure I'm nowhere close to the line.

If I'm strong , I would be bravely dealing with my problems and not hiding from them. 
These alcohols and drugs are the only things that is keeping me sane.

I know the numb is temporary but I am fearful to deal with pain. The feelings that are too raw , the heart that is too vulnerable. I just want to be left and die one day so problem will stop crushing in my head. 

I don't want to cry but the sadness is eating me up, if I let out my emotions I might not be able to pick myself up anymore. 

------------------------------------------------

As I sit down on my bed , looking at the place you always slept.
Thinking about the great times we had , are all memories that we kept.

And I browse through my albums, with photos of us with smile.
Wondering how we ended up like this , maybe it was Time that wasn't well.

The rain is pouring out of my window,
Reminded the times we spend staying in bed cuddling.
Great times are saddening , 
My mind is slowly fading.

The misses from my heart can't be put into words, 
But what are words for if action can't be proven .

The things that I see , do not piece the puzzle.
Because if you love me you won't be flirting with others.

Holding on these tears , praying I'll not breakdown.
Is just another silly prayer from Heaven to 
Hell

A sinner may once be a saint
But the sinner's blood will always remain.

Wildest wolf

Saturday, August 8, 2015

truthful

Days has been flying past lately.

What's going on ?

I wake up to total lost, without a memory of how I ended my night.
These broken pieces on the floors are evidence that I'm a Sinner in life.

Dragging my lifeless body up seems tougher then I thought,
Remembering a memory before I totally forgot.

Looking at these clothes that do not belong to me,
How should I put them away or should I return back with ease?

Typing in my phone lock is sure an awful crime,
My stubborn fingers don't remember that you're no longer mine.
This password have to be taken over by digits with no memory,
Trying to tell myself you're no longer part of me.

I've not shed a drop of tears since you left,
I've not broke the news to neither of my friends.

For I know once I start its gonna be a misery end,
Maybe there is no end to this awful resent.

Sober , Alive and Crazy .
This 3 is driving me to insanity.

Just a liar of her feelings,
Concealing the truth to not feel shit things.

C'mon babe
Pick  yourself  up
Don't cry
It's  just  another  lie

I wanna be strong I wanna fight,
Yet I'm crashing with waves inside my mind.

Like an idiot to dwell on life like this,
With humans who don't fuck about what your feelings is.

I'm dead
Living in a corpse that's breathing

With a tiny little heart that keeps on
L y i n g




Wildest wolf

Friday, August 7, 2015

insane

living with fear is a torture
but living with pain is insanity



i woke up
with blood covering my body
mirrors shattered on the ground
soul crawling over me

draged my aching legs
back to the starting line
tracing the blood
saying 'I'm fine...'

i woke up
to nothing in my brain
words that do not match
a language speaking pain

why do lovers
find hearts across stars
yet lay with souls
that are not their's

Love is pain
pain is worth
but is it worthy to love
when love is painful in return

pumping blood is the work
craving for affection is in the mind
don't get confused with organs
and make wrong turns in life

such fantasy within
a complicated insane mind
to love a person who don't
to give and not decline

is it true you found
another lover for the night
or are you just deprived
that she give you more than i might

how sad is it
to love someone who wouldn't
to stay when they don't
and cry when you shouldn't

i heard many lies
in this short life of mine
and crazily  found truths
behind these thoughtless lies

Am i crazy now ?
to think that I've lived enough
May morning dusk bring me light
and stop these endless road of rough

I'm done
goodnight
say my mind to the heart

but only to realise
it is yet another start

I woke up

to truths in my eyes

with sins in my heart

but lies in my life



wildest wolf


Thursday, July 30, 2015

Drunk

Wondering through the night, 
the alcohol reek will fight. 
We seek for love in darkness 
and desire for wildness within. 
Another drink for all the fame, 
another shot drowns all the pain. 

Double vision , mind's hallucination, we have been taken over. 
By something we drink to call a lover. 
Pull out a cigarette and light up the stick, just like lovers burning dicks. 

Why is it wrong, to break the crime. 
When breaking hearts is just as fine. 

Like drunkards, we crave for affection and hunger. 
The desire to find just another lover . 
Maybe this time someone will shed some light,
to help me get pass through the night. 

The reeking alcohol, the heavy scent.
Should fill my nose and shiver my sense. 
We touch and feel each other's pain,
to realise all we did is another mistake.

Who cares anyway, let's get fucked tonight. 
You'll pull your shirt, I'll rip mine. 
Thought lovers were the only person you'll crave, 
even when you're at someone's bed. 

It's not lying if you're drunk. 
Coz alcohol forces truth from tongues.
Why did it hurt to only hear it when you're dead, 
with alcohol filling your hallucinated head.

Wildest Wolf


Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Fuck you, July

July has been a shitty month for me. Crazy things happened and life was getting tougher each day. I tried to suck it in , and maintained a positive energy . But I can't lie, I'm falling apart soon.

I just want to sleep the pain off, but I can't. I'm so close to getting my goal and I'm not ready to give up. I'm a fighter, I have to be strong. Why can't people just take their time and think once for me? I've been understanding towards their situation so why can't I have the support in return? 

It's unfair, 
For me to only understand.
How tough life is, 
So I simply pretend.

I treat others well,
But lesser for myself.
At the very end,
People don't dwell.

Stop being harsh on me,
Am I not human to you?
To crash me at my worst,
And me without you.

I want to be happy,
I pray everyday.
For god's mercy,
On a sinner's day.

Days gets worse,
Harsh words rise,
I keep silent,
Words dont cry.

When I'm done,
Maybe you'll regret.
How you treated me,
With disrespect.

I honor humans,
For mankind salve.
But I forget ,
They won't remember my name.

Just a little girl,
In this big big world.
Trying to find,
A space for her tears.

Wildest wolf

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Berserk

Good days don't last , bad days will simmer
I await for the light to give me an answer

To let my soul sleep in peace
Drown my head upon these grieves 

Search a meaning for this purposeful life
Wondering what did the Lord decide

Should I lie and close an eye
Or cringe my heart while these tears dry

Sometime I hope I knew it all
But if given so I would build some wall

Each brick with every wrecking ache
Each layer with all my soulful hate

In a garden I'm lost with a path to find
With roses bleeding from my eyes 

I wish everything could stop for a while
May the guardian of time please wish me well

Too tired I've dragged my feet across the pain
Too sinful for life to be in my game

With every breath I waste
Is every roses mistake 

Wildest wolf 

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Shitty day, shitty life

This week has been hell. Every single day my dreams are being crushed and my luck is being stripped off me. Sometimes I wish I could hibernate and get through this shitty days with slumber. 

Is it the wrong doings of my past? Or the karma I've coagulated throughout the year ? Please tell me. 

There is a saying "Even the sinner is once a saint" but honestly I wonder what sin have I sinned against ? Living my life with a smile and a strong will up in my mind - I wonder what I've done wrong? Why do such a thing happen to me? why must I deal with bullshit every single day? Why? Do God have an answer ?

I doubt 

Tired is a understatement for the shits I've been going through lately. My mind don't feel right and my body is 99% down. I want to give up. 
Please somebody stop the time. Stay with me a little while and let me take a deep rest. What should I do if I'm at the edge ? 



Good days don't last, and bad days won't stay forever. I know this well and clear but the problem is How long is this bad day gonna last...?








MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY DEAD.

Wildest wolf 

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Scar II

This is the post where I'm gonna reveal the secret behind my scar.

Half year passed since the day I've seen light,

to start a new chapter in my life.

For Once upon a time is a blessful heading,

my story is one with tears and sufferings.

Countless visits to the doctors were made,

for a newborn child meeting her fate.

"Please doctor help save her" were words that mother said,

but they turn their backs and shook their head.

1999 January 1st was a day to welcome a new year,

for me it was one with blood and tear.

In an operation room with surgical gloves,

and nothing but death to end my world.

Its a pity they said , so young to just die,

Ive not reach a year old yet, is it alright?

The demons ate my appendix,

they swallowed 1/3 of my intestine.

Am I still a human?

rare illness they said,

fighter

2 operations gave me back my life,

to live the life I was supposed to find.

I woke and had an ugly scar on me ever since,

I hate it but without it I wouldn't live.

This is the story of an unfateful girl,

I'll leave the story end till here.

But now I've had it covered up,

with a lily I call "Mom.."

Without her I would not have come this far,

so I tattooed it right on my surgical scar.


*My Appendix burst and the doctors did not have any valid explanations. A rare phenomenon and a deadly tragic. It happened 16 years ago and I was only six months old , they operate away my appendix and 1/3 of my intestines because they were infected. Leaving 2 scars - a big one across my body and a smaller one just on the lily.



This scar dawned over my life for 16 years.



It's not the prettiest, but to me it was life.

Wildest wolf

Friday, June 12, 2015

Breakup Day

hey love

so everyone has a time where they broke up with their love ones and shittyness fills their thoughts and drown their soul  unable to go through the day, so what should you do? Well...being the all-tough-up-strong-asshole its never an option to call up my friends or find humans to talk about my breakup and start crying infront of them because i hate appearing weak infront of others.

So here's a Breakup Day with me...

1; Get your ass up.
Simple and straight however the hardest thing to do as well. But remember life do not end there and there is so much more in life so ... GET YOUR ASS UP.
Turn up your favourite hits and it will lift up your spirit. For me its Tove Lo - Talking body.
Ladies, wash up your tear soaked face and treat yourself to a long warm bath. Yes you may cry in shower but trust me once you're done washing up you'll feel super refreshed and awake.

2; Glam up.
Who says a heartbroken girl has to have fucked up eyeliner running down their face? huh? Fuck that. Put on your favourite eyeliner look and werk it. Heck what the dicks say because you're the Queen and you slay it well. Wear your favourite outfit - hot dress ? go ahead. Sloppy pants? You own it girl. Anything you wish Babe as long it is what you want.

Remember you don't have to live for anyone, but yourself.
If you don't treat yourself like a Queen no one else would.

A few spray of your favourite scent and you're good to go!

3; Do whatever you want.
Want to grab Ice Cream or just Watch a movie ? Nothing stops you. Don't be afraid to travel around Alone because you'll find the peace and abundance in solitude. Don't care about others' judgement and do what you want because at the end of the day it doesn't matter what their comments were but what you feel deep down inside as a human.

For me personally a good horror movie - Insidious Chapter 3 was my plan

Horror movie in a theatre all by yourself is my kind of thrill.


Lastly; Eat.
Yes release your pain and sorrow on food is good, but please look out for yourself and not over stuff yourself. A perfect diet is not less eating but a good balance of the amount you eat and the amount you exercise. Its fine to eat up a full tub of ice cream if it ease your pain as long as you don't make it a daily routine in your life! 

So i guess thats all for this post. Its a new kind of approach that I'm just trying out so hehe... DON'T JUDGE. Nothing in the world last forever not even humans , thats why people come and go. Often not the pain of loosing someone is a heart wrecking process but remember do not regret, do not repeat mistakes, and live your life to the fullest.


Faith   Trust   Pixie dust  


Wildest Wolf


Saturday, June 6, 2015

Scar

Scar 
1. A mark left by a healed wound, sore or burn.

2. A lasting after effect of trouble, especially a lasting psychological injury resulting from suffering a trauma. 

For me I suffer both.
A big scar imprinted on my skin when a huge tragic befall me. To everyone it was a miracle I lived, to me it was a pain I carried for the coming years. 

Ever since the befall I was left with a scar so big it cannot be concealed nor erased. Since young I've yearned to get rid off it but never once a success. It was an ugly monster that lived inside me and I was hateful towards it. To have a little child carrying an monstrous scar was a shame and unending torture. Will the lord ever answer my prayers and allow the scar to fade and pain to leave ? Never. 
Girls who caught glimpse of it will unfailingly pop the "what happened?" Question and I hate it. 

Why does it have to happen to me ? Why does it have to be me carrying this scar ? To have a pain that is horryfying and also a mental trouble. But you don't have a scar that's ugly , you don't understand how it feels like to have it and feel the shame pouring down in your soul because it hurts . I wish I never had it and all this years of shame I could finally let go and be free, to not push myself to think about medical surgery to fix a scar. 

It's so painful that pain physically and mentally is an understatement.

One day I will try and gather my courage to elaborate the scar on my body, but till then I would like to keep it unsolved. 

For scars are bullets we've lived, 
And pain for eternal grieves. 

Wildest Wolf

Saturday, May 23, 2015

101 Shitty things in life

101 shitty things in life 
/requested/
101 shitty things in life
/requested/

This is my list of shitty things in life and I hope you'll find them relatable...

waking up late
rushing for school
morning crankiness
the irritating kid in the bus
long bus rides without earpiece
long bus ride with dying phone
judgemental teachers
fucked up society
double standards
biasness
being accused
being misunderstood
not being good enough
a pile of homework left undone
DISAPPOINTMENTS
when you give in your best but the result is unfavourable
when you are in a room of better people
when you deem yourself to be worthless
when you know that you're easily replaceable
when you try your best to be as useful as possible
laughing at your insecurity
faking a smile
trying to fit in
low self love
neglected
forgotten
afraid
when youre broke and you are starving
when cash flow was a problem and you had to eliminate any source of unnecessary cash such as a beverage     
When you have no place to go
No one to turn to
No one cares
.
.
.
Shittyness in life are inevitable and my list for it can go on forver. However you need to learn to pick yourself up from it regardless of how much you want to give up.

Last night my boyfriend, Xavier broke up with me at 12am sharp. This mark the end of our 6 month relationship which is also my longest relationship.
Despite the shittyness drowning inside me, I still pick myself up and carry on with my project works and studies. Why ?

Because I learned it the hard way, because I know if I just give myself up now no one will bother to pick me up. Remember my previous relationship? Yeah, I screwd myself. I gave up and it affected me greatly especially as I was taking my O levels. Because I gave up, my result was shit and I had to use mother fucking taekwando which I don’t like and force myself to endure through the trainings because I want to get in Temasek Poly. Yeah true story ain’t making shit up.

So don’t give up and eventually things will turn for the good. And regarding my break up, as bad as it sound I know I never regretted my relationship with him.
He taught me a lot and I never felt happier with him. Very unfortunately the stars don’t give me sign and the moon aint showing tonight. Love is a word I never learnt and broken pieces is what I need. Shame on the fate and guilt in the tongues, to turn our head back and trace our palm. To not blame ourself but for Cupid’s mistake, and go back in time to find our own fate.


101 Shittyness in life does not ends here, to go further with endurance and remember. Never give up is three simple words, but it can change you even at your worst.

ending this post we a collage we took at his birthday
131114
this are the days we won't forget
this are the day we won't regret


wildest wolf

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

wildestwolf.blogspot.sg

changed my url to wildestwolf.blogspot.sg because I am the wildest wolf 
Hey dearies

yeap yeap I'm back and how's everything going ? Poly Life has just started for me and I'm at the verge of going wild.

Endless of lectures and unfamiliar modules are running through my head !!! GOSH


Please let me survive my next 3 years peacefully 


Lets put that agonising pain aside and focus on the happy thoughts . As I'm a JPSAE student (meaning i used my special talent to ge into the school , for the case here i used Taekwando. Thus i have to be in the Taekwando CCA for the next 3 years...
/MAJOR HAIS/
there goes my dream to be a cheer leader :(

Nothing much to type so why not spam this post with my addiction to selfies due to my incorrigible vain personality? 

First Day Of School




ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MY BABES
(left to right) Yu Qi, Man Ling and Alicia 


sometiems i don't even know why we are friends

But maybe thats why I'm happy to have them around for my poly years <3

Class Photo 

B&W


My lil seaweed alicia 

<3
Alright thats all for this post, wanted to update you guys about my current because I'm always neglecting my Blog. Another Chapter of mine has started and looking back i never want to regret to crazy life I had. Would this chapter crash into another mess in my life ? Who knows. All i know is thank you guys for reading my post all this while for you've seen the changes and the development of my life. As mush as i try to be happy i know deep down that it is not. But whatever's the case i know that i can always come back to this little blog of mine and pour out all my feelings. 
Thank you guys for reading 
you're like my little unicorns

Ending off with a picture of me after Taekwondo 

Wildest Wolf


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Luna

Hey there 
If you're a reader that has been reading my blog since the start of me blogging then you would know that my name is Lim Xing Zi which is 林幸子. However ever since little Ive really disliked my "old fashion Chinese name" and always found myself envying the little kids who has cool English name .. You get what I mean ? 

Hahahaha so yeah , for years I've been thinking about getting myself an English name and I even asked my mother why she didn't gave me one and she said 
"When the time comes , you'll find your own suitable English name and make it yours" 

So yes I've tried out a few such as Jane (please don't laugh I was purely innocent and had limited knowledge) but one day I stumbled on the name ...
Luna 

Luna ? Hmm interesting and mysterious name . It gives a visual of fun , witty and bubbly yet it also brings much curiosity within. And with futher readings ,I found out that Luna means "the moon" in Latin. Luna was the Roman goddess of the moon, frequently depicted driving a white chariot through the sky. So pretty gosh I love it ❤️

And yes I am very attached to Wild wolfs because they are such majestic , intelligent , strong beasts who travels in darkness, hunting for their prey. They howl to to moon when the moon glace brightly in the night sky , bringing life to darkness and darkness to light. Thanks to my insomnia problems I've always told myself to be a wolf and be strong to overcome the night. Another sun I witnessed through the night is another battle I had fight. Thus I nickname myself "wildest wolf"

Luna suits me perfectly and there's not an inch of flaw I could find in that name. Despite the curiosity of others when they first hear the name Luna would be intriguing , many would definitely hurl nasty comments . But who cares ? I love it and it's not up to anyone to stop me changing my descision to live as Luna , and name myself the moon.

"So .. Hi there , my name is Luna" 

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Give you what you like.

This amazing song sang by Avril Lavigne has been stucked in my head ever since the first time I've heard it on the radios. It summarise the things I've been going through (mostly relationship) and its really crazy how it is so relatable and makes me want to kill myself.


"Please wrap your drunken arms around me
And I'll let you call me yours tonight
Cause slightly broken's just what I need
And if you give me what I want
Then I'll give you what you like

Please tell me I'm your one and only
Or lie and say at least tonight
I've got a brand new cure for lonely
And if you give me what I want
Then I'll give you what you like

When you turn off the lights
I get stars in my eyes
Is this love?
Maybe someday
So don't turn on the lights
I'll give you what you like

Emotions aren't that hard to borrow
When love's the word you never learned
And in a room of empty bottles
If you don't give me what I want
Then you'll get what you deserve

When you turn off the lights
I get stars in my eyes
Is this love?
Maybe someday
I've got this scene in my head
I'm not sure how it ends
Is it love?
Maybe one day
So don't turn on the lights
I'll give you what you like

I'll give you what you like

I'll give you one last chance to hold me
If you give me one last cigarette
By now it's only in the morning
Now that I gave you what you want
All I want is to forget

When you turn off the lights
I get stars in my eyes
Is this love?
Maybe someday
I've got this scene in my head
I'm not sure how it ends
Is it love?
Maybe one day
So don't turn on the lights
I'll give you what you like"



Avril Lavigne - Give You What You Like Lyrics.

I just lost all my direction and forgotten the way back. I came so far to only finally realize that the road I'm taking might bring me to hell. Whats wrong with me ? Why must my life be such a crumbling mess.

will post a proper blog post soon but till then , I'm just gonna soak myself in my black world.


Wildest Wolf