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Hey there it's Luna
Well, this is a dark dairy of mine where I pour out my feelings into every word. It's a strange blog but it's probably the best way to convey my feelings without being hurt.
I hope you don't find them too weird and with that, I wish you a fun time reading...

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Tuesday, September 30, 2014


Days passes like a withering flower trying to pull through the winter 

Crying and thinking is the only thing I do everyday . My stupid brain doesn't listen to me and keeps running the flashback in my mind . I try my best to be happy , and keep myself as occupied as I am . But the moment I stop , shit hits me again . Lord I'm so tired , I thought I have already lived through the dark ages but no , I'm back again . I can't do this , I can't go on living like this , I want to stop and want to end it . Fuck love for taking it's toll on me , leaving me lifeless and dead . 

How am I suppose to go on ...

I text my mum and she comes in my room and talk to me to keep me away from my suicidal thoughts , but it doesn't work . My head throbs and I can't stop wishing my heart to die . I really feel like dying. This overflowing sadness kills me and devour my soul , breaking my bones . I feel so wrecked and tortured living in this reality hell 

He brought me out of Hell but threw me back in there again 
I don't know how do I want to continue , I want to forget him and be happy again but I can't . He was a part of my everyday life and to live without him I feel so empty . I kept thinking how my life would be without him but those thoughts scare my mind because I never wished to live without him . Truth is , I wished he would be mine and stay . " I don't know how to be fine when I'm not , I don't know how to move on when I don't ."  Please let this dark times end , I'm gettin sick of dying a little more inside . Tears washes my face each morning as I wake up wet on my pillow casing. Not to mention seeing Him my dreams and waking up getting hurt because I miss him so much . What's wrong with me , why am I living like this . Why can't I stop ? I feel so  wreck like a shipwreck crash into the rocks , sinking down into the deadly sea before hitting the sea floor , staying there forever ... 

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Back to the start

28 September 2014 , 12 34 AM 

Shawn has not been texting since last night and I felt that something was wrong . Finally after a few text from me pleading his reply , we finally talked . 
He doesnt want me anymore , again .
His words hit me hard , and the taste of pain lingered at the tip of my tongue , triggering the heart . I was walkin along the beach alone and I immediately sat in the sand and cried . Everything felt so brutal . The pain I felt just a few months ago , is coming back again . I pleaded him to stay and not leave but he refused and insist on us being friends but hey , we were friends all along . This didn't hurt as much as the first time because this time it wasn't my fault . He told me that he just wanted to be alone thus he decided to abandon me . Memories of me crying in classrooms , bus rides and all the misery nights flash through my mind and I was afraid . I was afraid of going through all that pain again , I was afraid that the feeling of death will soon linger back , I was afraid of not having him ...
At the beach I sat there alone , crying . I took out my phone and called my mum who was worried and fly down immediately in her car to meet me . She reached and we spent the night talking and advising me on how to handle the situation . She taught me a lot and enlightened me about things I have never considered before . She saved me from the night . We went home after the hours of talks and right now I am typing this blog out from my phone , crying . 
I can't tell you how much I've missed him, how much I wishes him to stay and how much I longed for his love . He told me to not stay but I know I always will . Don't be silly , I will always be here waiting for you . He told me we could still be friends and meet for dinners all but nothing more , and that he felt bad for the things he had done to me . But honestly I didn't cared , because all I want is him . Guess I going a little crazy , and I can't control myself anymore . God must be playing a trick on me , to put Shawn back into my life before pulling him out again . Lord , is this going to be my fate ? I hope not . I told myself not to give up because I have come so far and to me , giving up is not an option anymore . I'm going to stay and be his shadow . The golden nights stay as memories and how I wish it never turn into rust . I just can't get over how things change instantly within a night . Yesterday I was still at his apartment , spending the afternoon with him . And now I'm crying because his gone . I don't know what to feel anymore , I'm really just overwhelmed in this emotional roller coaster ride . I love him and this love will never stop . However I have decided to put down all hopes of us getting back together . Really I have given up , I will appreciate this little friendship we have , and be contented with whatever interactions we have . If he calls or meet with me , I will not have a slight glimpse of hope that we can be together because I know everything is simply false hope . Time to wake up zi , and stop dreaming . If we are meant to be we will be . But Lord I pray that one day maybe not now but in future , that this little friendship will slowly build up to a realtionship where both parties will have strong feelings for each other and not just a one sided feeling because I'm getting tired of constantly giving him love and not receiving anything . It's like Santa Claus giving presents to all kids in the world during Christmas but none of the kids appreciate his efforts and he doesn't receive any presents in return . It's alright , I tell God that I am grateful for whatever he has given me and I should be contented instead of whining about my loss . 
Well I'm back to the start now , the start where I have to wake up every morning without reiceving his lovely messages and living each day feeling like a year has passed . Its back to the stranger stage where everything feels a little awkward deep inside you heart and it's the bitter sweet taste of love . Everyday feels aimless and I'm constantly finding activity to occupy myself . Nights feel old and sucidal thoughts feel my soulful mind because memories hit me hard . It's the period of time where I am constantly finding myself desperate for his love , the lonely heart needs something to feel and death fills the space . I'm so afraid .It's gonna be painful but I'm going to survive through it . I tell myself I can and I really wish I could . 
Nights like this I really miss him so much and I need him by my side . His warm hugs which brings his heart close to mine and his heavy cigarettes scent fills my nose . He still owes me 2 hugs and I wonder if I have any chance of redeeming them . I hope tomorrow if I wake up , he would be there , beside me , with one arm underneath my head like a pillow and another arm holding my waist . But the reality is brutal and deep down I really hope my slumber never ends because I know that it will never happen . He won't come back . Sometimes I ask myself when will I receive his love again and I finally found my answer today , it has been here all along and today I finally swallow the painful truth down - Never . 
Shawn I love you , I know you want to be alone , and I won't force you to be with me . But whatever it is I truly hope that one day , maybe , when you finally got sick of solitudinary life and wishes for accompany , I hope you will turn to me first thing in your head because I will always be here waiting for your love . I never lied to you anything and I will always stay

That afternoon , where he wrapped his arms around me and we cuddle to sleep , this memory will forever stay . 

I love you ...

Friday, September 26, 2014

Fated pain

This happened on 21 September 2014 , Sunday . 

That night was chilly , and as usual I tried sneaking out to meet Shawn .Wearing his sweater , I set off into the night to meet him .  But sadly I got caught by my mother and she persuaded me not to . So there I was with my mom , standing by the gates of the door , me crying pleading her to let me out into the night and she grabbing me to stay . We talked , I cried , washing out my feelings and thoughts about the house - this family . I told her I resented staying in the house while my heart was tearing and that my heart seek for the wild night to pass the soulful hours . She gave in , and I promised her I'll be home by daylight before I quickly flew out to grab the lift . Just when I was about to reach the lift , the lift pop opened itself. It was pitch dark as the light wasn't working and I was holding back , contemplating to take the stairs . I took a step back but realise a person was in there , a person with a familiar face ... It was Shawn .
He saw me crying and was shocked . Wiping my tears with his sweater , I pushed him into the lift and hit "1" . In the lift he asked me what's wrong but I just kept weeping . When we walked out , I broke the entire situation to him pieces by pieces with pauses in between while I cry . He stopped walking and pull me into his arms and I cried in his chest , i never felt heaven this close to me before .
Went to his house and stayed for the night , the whole scene kept playing in my head and I kept wondering if it was fate that brought Shawn there ? I don't know , my mind is a whirlpool and I'm stuck drowning in the sea . I believe that everything is in God's plan , and that whatever happens will lead to the way how he wrote my destiny. I love Shawn and that night was a truly painful yet fated night for me , and I really hope that somewhere in the corner where my fate lies in God's hand , I will find Shawn there . 

Saturday, September 6, 2014

An earpiece relationship

3rd and 5th August 2014
went out with Shawn on these two days . 3rd August because he asked me out to slack and we slept together at his house . Everything that night was perfect that no language in the universe could describe its beauty . The only flaw that nigh was me , that weak and ugly me who couldn't hold myself and cried . That night just before we slept , we talked and then i turn my back towards him , for a backhug. Here come's the fault - i didn't know why , i just thought of our happy memories and i broke down . There right there , in his arms , on his bed , me oh me crying , disturbing his sleep. He didn't heard it at first only till he talked to me and i suppressed my crying then he realise. He turned , look at me and asked whats wrong and i just told me nothing . Really nothing's wrong because ...
I'm nothing 
im the one that's wrong , im just purely nothing .
He told me to turn and face him but i stared at his chest instead , burying my thoughts in . He beg me to pour out my thoughts and tell me the reason but I just couldn't bring myself to do it , Im so darn afraid i just can't .
I love you Shawn , I really don't want to be your tripping stone .
It hurts for me to type this but i still gotta go on , to be honest this is a confession :
Every word i type here is my last word living . I don't want to leave this word without inking every words and thoughts my heart is filled with. As least when I'm gone , I have some words left in this word for people to read , maybe my parents , my cousins , Shawn or even you dearest readers , at least i have my inking done in this world.

The tears flow and my heart bleeds. Im all wrapped in his arms , close to the heart but deep down I know , that its far far away , lost in the sea of broken hearts. He stroke my hair in that ever so raspy voice saying 'Im so confused i dont even know , so don't think too much okay?'  My heart stopped beating since that instant and till now I am not living . I breaks my heart to know that he doesn't know , I really don't know and Im afraid to know , I just God wish that Im not living ...

That morning came and around afternoon we talked , in bed , hugging . He asked me a few 'Boyfriend quesstions' which means like only boyfriends will ask and one of it daunted me
'why are you not into other guys anymore ?'
'because im not interested'
'why are you not interested ?'
'do you really want to know ..
because im only interested in loving you'
this pain lasted the entire day and every once in a while it rings in my head an i can't tell you how much it hurts
An aching soul a sinking heart , one last breath pulls me apart.
He fell asleep , soon shortly . And thinking he was asleep i told him some of my deep thoughts to him ,stupidly. He shh my saying i was noisy and told me to sleep, im so sorry i really shouldn't have been such a disturbance . I turned and buried my face into the pillow which he kept teasing me 'Shy girl ah shy shy ah...'
I couldn't take it , i left . Went home and cried which eventually drifted me to sleep . 

5th August 2014 - Tattoo Day
I woke up around 7 am . Checked my phone not expecting a single text . I texted Shawn and realised that he has his first tattoo appointment today and only one friend was accompanying him , he asked me if i would like to accompany him and me...?
Fuck yes.
Met him and his friend - Brandon who is a really funny guy.We chat and took an express bus where the journey was super long and me and Shawn made a new friend who is just a little boy .I waved to that little fella and started playing with him until Shawn joined us .Looking at him cheeky , playful and adorable with kids really melts my heart.Damn how did he even do that ? I have no idea .
In the tattoo shop , that silly boy was super excited for his first inking experience . He had a full outline of chest piece done and the experience was brutal . He endured the pain and made through the suffering . The tattoo was nice and after that we went back home together and drift to sleep 

Someday just gets better and I really hope these days will never turn gold . I want everything to stay and I want happy moments to continue . Well it's not up to me to decide though - everything's in God's hand and I know that as long as I never give up , God will surely help me 

This post is called and earpiece relationship because that's how I feel . When he needed some music , he can plug me into one of his ears and enjoy . If he want to have an even better listening experience , he can plug both of this earpiece in and I'll feel like the happiest girl receiving all his attention and focus . 
However bad days where he wants to be  free and wild with music , he can throw away this pair of earpiece and go crazy .
I'm an earpiece . He may plug one side of me into him while having other earpieces plugging into his other ear . Once in a while he will remove the other earpiece and insert both of me in and giving me all the tender loving care . Other time he will remove me and throw me aside , replacing the ears with other earpiece . 

I don't know why I use earpiece but I find it really relatable to me .. 
An earpiece relationship 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Late empty love

1 August 2014 
That night I was crying hoping God to not wake me up the next day because I had a terrible fight with mother and my heart was broken , torn and shredded.
The night grew and I suddenly recieve a text from Shawn 
"Go sleep tho I'm going Al-Azar" 
"Hmm I shall go there then " I replied. 
So yeah I sneak out of home in the middle of the night around 4 am , to see my love .
We met together with 2 of his friends and we had supper together , eating happily . After supper he asked "want to go up my house?"
Fuck yes.
Over at his house , we lay on the bed all 4 of us singing songs and talking shit . I lay at the corner then Shawn and I can't tell you how much I have missed our intimacy . Once in a while he will put his arms over me or his hands around my waist and I could have literally die omg the tension was high. After a while 1 of the friend left , leaving me , Shawn and another friend . We changed sleeping positions but the order was the same , me in the corner then Shawn . The friend was nice and friendly and after a while he went to bathe , leaving me and Shawn on the bed . 
We shared the same pillow and our face was close to each other . Nose brushes and breathe tinkles . It felt as if the first time me and Shawn kissed , we were both lying on the bed with our face as close as this but only Shawn pulled me nearer his face which he lean forward for a kiss . 
This time it was different , we were close and at first I wanted to lean forward but failed because it wasn't close enough . He pinch my cheeks and rested his palm on my face which I thought of a really really cunning idea. Staring at him I grab his jaws between my fingers and went like "aww your face so chubby " but / plot twist / I pulled his face to me and kissed him . 
I . Kissed . Him . 
He didn't react anything big though , he continued the kiss and touch my face . Gave him a little bite on the lower lips which is normally how I kiss , everything went wild. I was drunken with this taste of love and I lost myself . 
The night went on and we fell asleep together . His arms was my pillow and I felt secure and blessed under this little castle . I thought to myself , what kind of love is this ? Because I have no idea . Does he love me ? Does he want me back ? I don't know . This love is going crazy and I have already lost my mind . Perhaps it's all my wishful thinking that maybe , just maybe , our feelings were mutual but I dare not ask . I missed him dearly and every minute right now I'm stuck with the scene of us kissing . Sigh I'm confused . I don't know where I stand or who I am to him . Probably a toy . During our sleep , I turned and back face him and he wrap his arm around my waist and pulled me closer , what was that ? Love ? 

I really hope that night didn't end and the sun never rose .