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Hey there it's Luna
Well, this is a dark dairy of mine where I pour out my feelings into every word. It's a strange blog but it's probably the best way to convey my feelings without being hurt.
I hope you don't find them too weird and with that, I wish you a fun time reading...

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Friday, July 11, 2014

| The End |

Hey unicorns
yes i know , The End right ? Confirm is some issues regarding failures , sadness blah blah blah all but please note , i didn't want to blog this post either but i really have to give an answer , an explanation for The End .
Well some of you probably had know about this but yes me and Shawn we have broke up , 220314 is gone .
Please bear with me i have a lot of feelings going on and it has been a shitty ass time  . I know the first thing that came into your mind is ' Why your break ?' 'What happened ?' etc etc .
1)I was the one who bring up the break up
2)I had mentioned break up to him at least 10 times (i guess)
3)I fuck things up

Throughout these 111 days together , i must say it was the best 1 I've ever had. He was the first one to last at least , you read properly AT THE FUCKING LEAST last 1 month with me . BOOOM /mindblown/ yes i know im a terrible girlfriend to be with thats why all my relationship is a failure ...
Shawn is great really , endured all my nonsense and my retarded pre menstrual syndrome which include a)Moodswings b)temper c)cold shoulders d)pushing him away every time and e)mentioning break up

seriously tho i think i deserve an award for being the most unreasonable , annoying , cunt head bitch ass girlfriend in the world , thankyou 

I'm really confused right now . I choose to let go of him because I know if I want to do well for O' levels I have to give up one thing and thats - relationship . At the start of the year , i tried juggling Studies , Family and Relationship all 3 together but look 5F9s , 5 FUCKING F9S (im like genius overload or brain damage ?) Since last year I've put in effort to get my studies back on track and this time tasting not 1 but 5 F9s was a big failure to me . Not only did I fail upon my parents , but I had also fail upon myself . This shit hurts like crap do you feel me ...?
Not only was i facing studies pressure but also social pressure . No one in the family nor my friends approved of this relationship and i was stuck between 2 everyday . Constantly facing all negative remarks really drives me crazy but i didnt tell shawn about it , what can he do anyway ? Nothing. Nights where i get all shitty he was always there to accompany me and ask me whats wrong whats wrong , but do you know whats wrong ? Yes its our Relationship .
This sucks and i really hate this breaking up feeling . I know i am the one who bring up about the break up but deep inside do you think i want to let him go ? Everynight ill be alone on bed crying , trying to bring my voice down because i don't want to let my sis hear my crying and that. shit. hurts. There was one night where my crying had woke up my sis and she asked me 'Jie Jie (sis) why are you crying...?' idiot sister please don't see me cry , I wasn't supposed to potray an image of a weak sister to you… 
I don't want to feel this shit , i want to be alone and just be isolated and solitude . 

Things are getting out of hands and i dont even know how to decribe my feelings. He's gone and I'm still a shit . When we were together , he would come to my school gate everyday to fetch me but now im walking through the gates alone , strolling through the metal hard entrance . Security uncles ask me 'Today your friend not coming to fetch you?' And i just smile and walk off .No longer will i be the first to rush out of class and through the gates just to see him standing there under the hot sun , waiting for me without fail. Everything im doing reminds me of him , going home , waiting for bus , eating , shitting , studying , really all i could think of is him...
Staring at the books which im studying , it couldnt help but bring tears to me eyes. I have given him up for all these books and i know ill regret but...whats the point ? I dont have a choice , i really don't . Sure you can say 'OH you can choose to not let him go blah blah..' But standing at my liberty , would you not leave ? I doubt your answer.
I really wished that things weren't all that tough and life was smooth . Everyday felt like a never ending roller coaster and
Im getting sick of this ride . Should I continue this roller coaster even if I get sick and puke ? Or should I get off the ride which I will get to catch my breathe and not get sick ? I chose to leave . 
I know your impression of me image would have a dramatic change by now but I don't blame you . Thats the real me , im not nice , friendly or sweet . Instead a worthless bitch .
A worried bitch i am , even when we broke up but still texting , he said a bunch of weird things which really scares me . That boy is really unpredictable and i dont know what he might do next . A part of me wants to find him and make sure that he's fine but i know that if i do so then i might never be able to move on from him .What the hell am I suppose to feel ? Happy for finally being free and gain back my freedom ? Or depressed because the love of my life left because I pushed him away. I really don't know this feeling is overwhelming. I don't want to think about anything and just bring that 'fuck everything 'attitude back .I can't move on I can't, but neither can I stay . I am motionlessly moving towards destruction. Never knew being the one that ask for break up can feel so much pain .To love or not to love ? To stay and endure or leave to be free ? To be truthful to myself or numb it with lies ? I have no idea. Have you ever felt this way? Or perhaps I'm just fucked up. I don't want to implicate things and let my friends see me breaking down, I can hold this feeling I know ,I just don't know how long .How long before I finally turn away from lying to myself and love him. My friends like joven , tamilyn, gloria and especially yi wei (kitkat) texted me if I was alright. Especially yiwei because that girl knew I couldn't be fine and suggested we go out and all. But really what I want is to be alone and just cry. 
This is the side effect of relationship. 
 Sigh whatever fuck everything , i don't know whether this relationship was a blessing or a curse but whatever it is , i still cherish it because i don't think ill be with another ever again .
People say the one that gets ditched in the relationship feel the worst pain but you know what ? The one asking for the break up doesn't suffer any less… 
Heres some photo of us on my birthday where he took me to River Safari as a present .
starting off the day with him helpin me take a pic 

at River Safari's Panda Teahouse 

My baooooo 





this was my favourite 

amd hahaha this was a sneak photo we took because takin photo was prohibited 
 well thats all for this post , this relationship . Just saw something on twitter and its pissing me off /middle finger/
Well i guess the biggest question you guys are going to ask me is...Do I still love him ?
If i say No i would be lying to you , but even till now I have been lying to myself.
and with that 
sayonara ...

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