22 July 2014
Tonight shawn ask me to remove his account. I refused and told him I want him , I should never have said that… never .The taste of pain was swirling in my tongue crushing me into every pieces left possible to decompose . Heart sank and faith stop glowing, I could literally see myself loosing him , loosing us.
We quarreled and he told me that he will never come back, that he had enough and does not want to taste pain anymore. And I wept shedding tears of pleading with a silent prayer in my head whispering to me that I everything will be fine, that things will be fine , that we will be fine. I'm naive.
I have already lost it and I can never ever get it back, ever. I ignored the words that cut and continue believing that all will be well. He called and beg , telling me to let him go ,to move on and forget him.
But you know what ? He kept saying we'll be friends or nothing and I kept pushing a little, hoping a miracle . I don't care if its a 1 day or even 1 hr relationship, I just want him .He quarreled and with a slip of his tongue he called me "Bi.. " I lost because that's what I want , what I am. His babe . He apologize and asked me one last time "To be friends or nothing " and I said
"Friends , because I always end up listening to you.. " and hung up .
Heart ran , blood flew , the cut pleading a little deeper will end the pleasure but no , it doesn't take away the misery.
I thought : everytime he ask for a patch I wull always end up giving in to him , whatever he says I will follow. Mine fall on deafened ears.
Regrets and mistakes were the memories made and I tell myself I can't ever ever forget him .
He told me to get over him and that his sure and he can bet , I'll be able to do it .
I can bet I'll never forget you . Why ?
Because I remember and don't forget, because I have let him in and all the broken walls will always remind me of him. Because I can't be like him and move on easily . I can't. I ain't him.
We talked on the phone afterwards with the identity as a friend, a friend. I'm sorry no mater what I can't see him as a friend I really can't.
Today in school I cried again, during History I cried ,during Physics I cried ,even reccess I cried to Rochelle who don't even know how to react . But you know what ? Nobody realized I cried because I kept it silently…
It was only during our last period English, my teacher was absent and there I broke down in front of everyone. The class crowd over a lil girl crying on her desk , asking her what happened and showering concern. Hidayah hug me and asked :"Shawn ah ..?" and I broke down and cry harder ... The wise people Germaine and Israel came to me and comfort me I know they meant well but really…
The only person I want to talk about me and shawn's breakup , is Shawn himself .
I'm alone despite the large crowd tht hover around me , because I can't tell if people are genuinely concerned of me or are they just curious…
When the days over I texted him Jiayou for O level listening compre but no replies . when everything's over I walk out the gates with Jingyi who passed me a letter she handwritten to cheer me up
When I walk out the gates I endured my tears , tell myself don't think don't feel and hold my breathe a while but I couldn't hold back .
I was afraid that I couldn't make it home as everything I see kept reminding me of him . The bus stop , the bus ride everything. During the bus ride I cried again and when I finally reach the elevator I told myself to suck it in and I can let it all out when I'm finally home . when I got back I cried , in pain . The pain never left and they were taking over me . It hurt and I lost my self concious. Cousin hui qing saw me crying and she stood there looking at me while I cry , we didn't utter a word but the pain could be felt . She broke down too saying that my emotions had affected her and she tell me her problems . She gave me advice too but it really wasn't what I need , I just needed him .
Days get old and I'm loosing myself every second . These tears don't listen to me anymore and they flow together with the pain . I can't control myself but I don't want to be a burden to my family or friends. Because thats what I feel and I can't not think of it that way .
This solitudinal pain hurts just like how wolves howl to the moon , I'm just a wild wolf howling to my own pain .
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
22 July 2014