Shawn has not been texting since last night and I felt that something was wrong . Finally after a few text from me pleading his reply , we finally talked .
He doesnt want me anymore , again .
His words hit me hard , and the taste of pain lingered at the tip of my tongue , triggering the heart . I was walkin along the beach alone and I immediately sat in the sand and cried . Everything felt so brutal . The pain I felt just a few months ago , is coming back again . I pleaded him to stay and not leave but he refused and insist on us being friends but hey , we were friends all along . This didn't hurt as much as the first time because this time it wasn't my fault . He told me that he just wanted to be alone thus he decided to abandon me . Memories of me crying in classrooms , bus rides and all the misery nights flash through my mind and I was afraid . I was afraid of going through all that pain again , I was afraid that the feeling of death will soon linger back , I was afraid of not having him ...
At the beach I sat there alone , crying . I took out my phone and called my mum who was worried and fly down immediately in her car to meet me . She reached and we spent the night talking and advising me on how to handle the situation . She taught me a lot and enlightened me about things I have never considered before . She saved me from the night . We went home after the hours of talks and right now I am typing this blog out from my phone , crying .
I can't tell you how much I've missed him, how much I wishes him to stay and how much I longed for his love . He told me to not stay but I know I always will . Don't be silly , I will always be here waiting for you . He told me we could still be friends and meet for dinners all but nothing more , and that he felt bad for the things he had done to me . But honestly I didn't cared , because all I want is him . Guess I going a little crazy , and I can't control myself anymore . God must be playing a trick on me , to put Shawn back into my life before pulling him out again . Lord , is this going to be my fate ? I hope not . I told myself not to give up because I have come so far and to me , giving up is not an option anymore . I'm going to stay and be his shadow . The golden nights stay as memories and how I wish it never turn into rust . I just can't get over how things change instantly within a night . Yesterday I was still at his apartment , spending the afternoon with him . And now I'm crying because his gone . I don't know what to feel anymore , I'm really just overwhelmed in this emotional roller coaster ride . I love him and this love will never stop . However I have decided to put down all hopes of us getting back together . Really I have given up , I will appreciate this little friendship we have , and be contented with whatever interactions we have . If he calls or meet with me , I will not have a slight glimpse of hope that we can be together because I know everything is simply false hope . Time to wake up zi , and stop dreaming . If we are meant to be we will be . But Lord I pray that one day maybe not now but in future , that this little friendship will slowly build up to a realtionship where both parties will have strong feelings for each other and not just a one sided feeling because I'm getting tired of constantly giving him love and not receiving anything . It's like Santa Claus giving presents to all kids in the world during Christmas but none of the kids appreciate his efforts and he doesn't receive any presents in return . It's alright , I tell God that I am grateful for whatever he has given me and I should be contented instead of whining about my loss .
Well I'm back to the start now , the start where I have to wake up every morning without reiceving his lovely messages and living each day feeling like a year has passed . Its back to the stranger stage where everything feels a little awkward deep inside you heart and it's the bitter sweet taste of love . Everyday feels aimless and I'm constantly finding activity to occupy myself . Nights feel old and sucidal thoughts feel my soulful mind because memories hit me hard . It's the period of time where I am constantly finding myself desperate for his love , the lonely heart needs something to feel and death fills the space . I'm so afraid .It's gonna be painful but I'm going to survive through it . I tell myself I can and I really wish I could .
Nights like this I really miss him so much and I need him by my side . His warm hugs which brings his heart close to mine and his heavy cigarettes scent fills my nose . He still owes me 2 hugs and I wonder if I have any chance of redeeming them . I hope tomorrow if I wake up , he would be there , beside me , with one arm underneath my head like a pillow and another arm holding my waist . But the reality is brutal and deep down I really hope my slumber never ends because I know that it will never happen . He won't come back . Sometimes I ask myself when will I receive his love again and I finally found my answer today , it has been here all along and today I finally swallow the painful truth down - Never .
Shawn I love you , I know you want to be alone , and I won't force you to be with me . But whatever it is I truly hope that one day , maybe , when you finally got sick of solitudinary life and wishes for accompany , I hope you will turn to me first thing in your head because I will always be here waiting for your love . I never lied to you anything and I will always stay .
That afternoon , where he wrapped his arms around me and we cuddle to sleep , this memory will forever stay .
I love you ...