killing it

I'm just going to pour out every inch deep of my thoughts and cry my heart out, so please don't judge and don't speak a word.

15/8/14
 A month ago , Shawn left me . A month ago I thought that I'll be better and my life will be fine without him , guess I'm wrong. A month passed and I'm still the same shit. I hate myself for killing that emotional man , causing him to walk away from me . Im so so regretful. Every night the same thought drinks my soul and I can't tell you how much I've missed him . I haven't seen his face for so long and the image turns blurry . I push myself and hid in a corner ,wearing his sweater and sniffing on his shirt. The smell , the memories , the love are all there , what's gone was the soul. I really love him deep into my bones. And what hurt the most is realizing how much i didn't meant to him, how easy I was to be forgotten , how replaceable I was.

Fear grips me thinking the fact that another girl will soon take my place and that fucking hurts. I don't want , I don't want that to ever happen but it is only a matter of time. God is probably punishing me for all my sinful act, I'll accept it . Even when his heart is no longer mine ,even when his love is for another , even if he is no longer Him , I'll stay and be here.

Dear Karma ,
I accept every slap you have blown on my face , its okay I'll bear the pain .Just tell me that everything is going to be over soon because i have no idea how much more before my soul leaves the temple.

My heart is long torn and my soul is long gone , what's left is my love for him.

I miss him and I need him .Please come back , I'll be waiting .I've lost count for the number of times i have prayed for his return , my faith is fading but I tell myself to be strong . These delusional thoughts lie to my sober mind but i still drink them in.Its hard to stay positive , its even harder for me to live.I really really want to give up.

Everytime I tell Shawn I gave up ,I didn't mean it that way. I didn't give up on Him or Us , 

I give up on myself.

So tired of living , who knew it was so hard to be human ? Lord I'm done , take my soul back as I fall into eternal slumber . Crush my bones and leave the ashes , for my regretful soul will always linger on love.

A month ago , I didn't knew a month later my mind is sunk into death. Death ain't the easy way out , its my only way to feel alive again.