Crazy

26/7/14

Today Shawn texted me to go for dinner and I can't tell you how my heart sprint and how I screamed when I received that text . At first knowing I had Night Study Programmed , he told me he may not be meeting me because I was thinking about skipping but eventually I went and we met up at 8 pm

He was outside my school and my heart was going insane . The same familiar tall black figure standing outside the gates 

Oh my baby , I'm drinking in that view.

I dash all the way to him and he told me to relaxe 

Does he have any idea how much I wanted to pop into his arms and give him a big big hug ? 

We talked and laughed , went dinner at KFC and sat at the spot we sat previously . Everything was great ,of course there were times where we both didn't talk at all but it's alright , I enjoyed his presence around me . It felt so blissful . When we were at KFC queuing up to order , I looked at his back and flash back to when we were previously together , everything just hurt so bad.

I missed clinging on to him and hugging him although we were queuing , I missed standing next to him and cutting his queue because I know he will definitely let me go first , I missed being his.

After dinner we went to slack and we sat at a bench and chatted when he suddenly pinch my cheeks /my heart fucking BURST OMG / and a few times his fingers gently brushes my knuckles and ohh it felt heavenly I'm not even kidding. 

I told him "Don't touch my cheeks okay , my cheeks are made of gold " and probably because he knew I still have feelings for him , he tease me and say 

"You sure you don't want me to touch ? You sure ? "

"Shut up"

"Want or don't want ?"

"...want ..."

And he gave me another pinch again 

My heart probably stopped beating afterwards.

We sat close and we laughed together , his friends tease us and it didn't bother at all . He looked at my hand sanitizer and said "whoa I missed this " and squeeze out some on his palm "I think I squeezed out abit too much" 

"Give it to me then" I reached out my palm . He kept his palm away from me just like a little boy trying to protect his last piece of candy but eventually gave in 

He smear his palm against mine and my skin tinkles under his hand . We talked and he went to Instagram and scrolled at his timeline to found my recent video of #ALSicebucketchallenge .He watched it on repeat and laughed at every loop , I looked at his face as he laughed and it warmed my heart , that silly silly boy . 

We tease each other verbally and everything just seem so perfect - to me . When it's finally time to go he called his friend up to give us a lift and we sat the friend's van to home . 

He turned and looked at me "No need for bus rides " and I don't know why it made me really happy . The ride was good , filled with laughter and Shawn rested his hand on my knees , sigh I'm really missing it . 

When I finally got home I texted him "Thanks for the great night " and he replied "No problem stupid it's nothing "

The last word killed me , it wasn't nothing , it was everything to me . It may purely be a simple dinner with a friend to him but it wasn't at all to me , I'll never regard him as a friend but a lover .

Don't worry when you lost your way , I'll be your constellation and guide you the way back home with my stars . 

My secret shot of him , damn so perfect I want him .

killing it

I'm just going to pour out every inch deep of my thoughts and cry my heart out, so please don't judge and don't speak a word.

15/8/14
 A month ago , Shawn left me . A month ago I thought that I'll be better and my life will be fine without him , guess I'm wrong. A month passed and I'm still the same shit. I hate myself for killing that emotional man , causing him to walk away from me . Im so so regretful. Every night the same thought drinks my soul and I can't tell you how much I've missed him . I haven't seen his face for so long and the image turns blurry . I push myself and hid in a corner ,wearing his sweater and sniffing on his shirt. The smell , the memories , the love are all there , what's gone was the soul. I really love him deep into my bones. And what hurt the most is realizing how much i didn't meant to him, how easy I was to be forgotten , how replaceable I was.

Fear grips me thinking the fact that another girl will soon take my place and that fucking hurts. I don't want , I don't want that to ever happen but it is only a matter of time. God is probably punishing me for all my sinful act, I'll accept it . Even when his heart is no longer mine ,even when his love is for another , even if he is no longer Him , I'll stay and be here.

Dear Karma ,
I accept every slap you have blown on my face , its okay I'll bear the pain .Just tell me that everything is going to be over soon because i have no idea how much more before my soul leaves the temple.

My heart is long torn and my soul is long gone , what's left is my love for him.

I miss him and I need him .Please come back , I'll be waiting .I've lost count for the number of times i have prayed for his return , my faith is fading but I tell myself to be strong . These delusional thoughts lie to my sober mind but i still drink them in.Its hard to stay positive , its even harder for me to live.I really really want to give up.

Everytime I tell Shawn I gave up ,I didn't mean it that way. I didn't give up on Him or Us , 

I give up on myself.

So tired of living , who knew it was so hard to be human ? Lord I'm done , take my soul back as I fall into eternal slumber . Crush my bones and leave the ashes , for my regretful soul will always linger on love.

A month ago , I didn't knew a month later my mind is sunk into death. Death ain't the easy way out , its my only way to feel alive again.

Fall Falling Fell

I love you Shawn.
Even if you don't love me , even if you fall for others - I'll still love you.

I'm yours , even if you're not mine.

I really want him back, these sadness isn't fading and each day it just build up higher and higher. I'm so tired , I tried to occupy my life just like what He is doing but at the end of the day , my thoughts always linger back to him .
Shawn please please please for the love of God , please come back to me. I've changed I mean it , I won't be that reckless Zi anymore, I will be a good girlfriend, I will cherish our relationship, I will do what it takes to make you happy, I will be "you" in our relationship. Please come back.
Right now I'm crying while hugging Pocho - the soft toy he gave me for my birthday , in my arms. I missed him so damn hard and what hurts more is seeing him being happy with other girls really kills.

This internal pain feels like gravity. It pulls my heart down every minute and I'm drowning inside, I'm drowning myself.

I'm torn and broken , I have nothing left .Why must tragedy always happen in my life , why me ? Why God ? Please make everything stop , I'm already gone. It hurts , everything hurts. No matter how hard I try to be happy and positive, I always end up being depressed and broken at the end . Can time rewind? Can I go back to the past ? I'm at my wits end .
I'm sinking into a deep deep ocean full of pain and broken pieces and what's worst is that Shawn knows about me drowning but he will not come back and save me , he won't. Its so painful typing this and I can't describe to you how hard I'm feeling right now . I love you, I'll stay .

All I wish is the Love of yours.

Unwanted

Last night , Shawn tweeted about how much he miss "her" and that he regreted all blah blah blah . But what's on my mind the entire night was who is "her"..?
Couldn't sleep and my headache was hurting badly , my mind just couldn't stop thinking whoever this her is . And I came to a conclusion, its his prev ex…
It hurt , badly. Knowing that he doesn't want me instead he wants back his previous ex . Ofcourse I ain't sure whether she IS "her" or not but guessing from the angle I'm looking - she fits the picture perfectly…

If only I could be "her"…

I know I ain't , and I'm not putting ny hopes anywhere. If only he didn't love another but love me. If I had cherished him. If I had loved him and showered him with love. If I never left and hurt him….
If I wasn't me ..
Everything is crushing me into bits and pieces and every night its the same pain , same hope that one day he'll love me , again . Im tired of my regretful life I really need him back please don't leave me

unwanted

Stay

Last night I cry while praying to have Shawn back . I fell asleep with my hands clasped in prayer and my phone's vibration woke me up .
Shawn rted my tweet
I can't tell you how idiot I was, although it was just purely a rt , it made me really happy inside.
This morning miracle appeared. I drag my dead lifeless body to school and when I was about to fall asleep, Shawn texted me.
Butterflies fluttered around in my tummy and I could feel as if it was going to explode. He told me not to be sad and that I will have a great day . I cried and I asked him if he would mind staying up a lil while to chat with me .
He said "Anytime woman"
We talked mostly about his problems and that how difficult his life was .As we talked ,he even send me a photo of him saying that it will make me feel happy .
It really did :)
We talked and out of the blue he mentioned about me finding guys . And I replied
"Its my decision to move on"
I can't tell you how much I hate myself after realizing that what I've typed might mistaken him . I really didn't realize until I re-read our entire conversation for the 6th time.
Omg Shawn please don't ever think that I'll move on from you because I can swear to you - I won't.
He said "New ones come , some old ones stays" and  asked "Are you staying? "
I wish I never left you in the first place Shawn , I'm so sorry .
Told him I'll stay but he added that I'll only stay for a while . Idiot, why can't you just understand that I'm never leaving ever again..?
In class Germaine wrote a song all by herself called "Why won't you remember " and it made me cry . That girl gave me a hug but I know all I need now is Shawn .
Shawn I'm sorry , I really hope you'll figure out your life and please remember I'm still here , staying…

He said I could edit the photo but you 

know what ? I prefer it the way it is 

-Simple , original and just him ❤